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Friday, April 2, 2010

I don't know how or when but I fall in love.

In 1996 the love of my life came into my life to cause tremendous confusion and emotions...

That love is named Jesus Manuel Nevarez Cruz; I was 14 and he was 23.

I didn't know what love was.

Back in the day the only thing I knew was that every time I saw him or heard his voice I felt butterflies in my stomach just of the excitement...

My Chuy was my first love...

later came the first kiss, which was one of the best days of my life...
Years later came our first time which our bodies became one.
Two years later came our son Alexandro.

Alexandro was our most precious satisfaction and our greatest happiness.
Later came arguments and we separated
Even apart we never stopped loving each other.

I had boyfriends after, but I never felt the butterflies.
I was never able to be happy because I always kept the wish on the back of my mind that all I wanted was to be with my Chuy...

On September 2009 we saw each other once more; I was able to taste the flavor of his mouth and the tenderness of his hugs. We made so many plans and goals for us to be happy again; we planed to be a family once more and give our son a true family.

Unfortunately that's what a stayed as just plans that will no longer become true! It will stay as a beautiful dream that I must never be able to reach. My Chuy died one month later and with him my heart dies too. Tuesday, October 13, 2009 I died with him because that is what I feel I living here with a dead heart. Seeing my son cry for his daddy is the most unbearable thing I can go through; he asks God why? It drives me crazy, I cant see my son suffer this way, and I feel so alone... Nobody understands, the only people who understand are those who feel the same pain we are going through.

At times I think about continue on living my life like everyone says I should, but deep down in my soul I feel guilt that I am still on this earth and he is no longer here. How can I be living my life like nothing happened if the other half of my soul is no longer here? how?

How can I make someone happy if I am so tore up on the inside and dying of pain? No one understands and some times I feel so alone.

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Psalm 27:1

"The Lord is my light and my salvation – whom shall I fear?The Lord is the stronghold of my life – of whom shall I be afraid?"Psalm 27:1

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