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Monday, April 19, 2010


On April 13, 2010, was six months since Jesus passing, and still it hurts like yesterday. I think about him everyday, I don't even notice when his name leaves my lips. I mention him more than twice a day and think about him always.

On Friday April 16, 2010 I was feeling ill, I have a sinus infection so I have not been feeling that great. I asked my boss if I could go home early; she said yes. When I got home I took my antibiotic and a hydrocodone and fell right asleep and slept for hours. I don't know if it was the drugs or the fever, but I could not stop dreaming. If only my dreams were true; I would never want to wake up!
In my dream it was Christmas Eve, I was surrounded by friends and family; I even saw people I have not seen in years. Out of the blue moon Jesus walks in as handsome as I had never seen him before; he walked towards me and said, "babe do you want to dance with me?" He put out his hand and I took it. As he pulled me towards him, I could smell the fabric softener on his Metallica t-shirt which I used to love so much; now when I smell it I just cry. We danced for hours and even though we were surrounded by people we were in our own little world, we could hear our selves breathing. In this dream we also made love; when I woke up and realized it was just a dream, I wept with desperation. I miss him so. I woke up about ten till 6:00 p.m. it was time to pick up my son Alexandro from his grandmother's. After getting home once more I went to bed and fell right asleep. I continued to dream where I had left off the last time; this is not rare for me because it tends to happen to me quite often. I dream something, get up in the middle of the night to use the restroom and when I go back to bed I continue dreaming were I left off; strange but true. I don't know what dreams mean; I wish I did, but I appreciate these dreams with all of my heart because I can for a moment forget about reality and be with the people I love and are no longer here. I like to think I visit them in heaven when I dream about them. I just hope I continue dreaming my beloved Chuy.
Even though it hurts to wake up, its so worth falling asleep because
at least for a moment I reach true happiness. I like to think that when I dream of my Chuy I am visiting him were ever he is; for that moment I can spend time with him, show him how much I love him, and how much he still means to me. Even though he is no longer here, nothing and no one can or will take his place. I will forever love him, for an entire eternity. Later that night I dreamed about Chuy once more, but I do not recall exactly what I dreamed. My current boyfriend Alejandro woke me up; he said I was crying, and screaming like I was in true pain. I believe I was dreaming of losing Jesus, all I remember was seeing him drift away while I fell onto the green grass in the middle of a beautiful park; there I felt an enormous grief that hurt down to the bottom of my heart. I don't know if I will continue to have these kind of dreams, but if they cause me pain, I truly don't care; at least I will get to see the love of my life once more.

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Psalm 27:1

"The Lord is my light and my salvation – whom shall I fear?The Lord is the stronghold of my life – of whom shall I be afraid?"Psalm 27:1

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