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Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Confused Feelings...

Why do us humans like to complicate our life so much? Sometimes I stop to wonder that if we didn't complicate our love life; we would probably find something else to complicate. Personally I have noticed one thing; every time I'm in a new relationship, for some reason or another, I always end up thinking of the last. Why is that?

I sure hope I'm not alone on this or the only person one who feels this way. Funny thing the mind; it works in mysterious ways, and even though we want to let go of certain things from the past, the mind has its tricks to bring them back up to float. Several years ago I started to go see a therapist to see if she could help me ease my mind. I didn't think I actually needed to see one, but my friends were actually surprised I had never gone to see one. I had a hard childhood so my friends had always suggested for me to go see a therapist; they stated it would be good for me to talk to a professional about things that I just decide to bury deep down. I did not know how much I actually needed to see a therapist until I was at my first appointment; I was shocked of the things that actually came out and that I said to a total stranger. I started bawling about all these emotional feelings I had buried for so long. I also noticed tears on my therapist eyes; like she felt my pain. After the session was over she said, "Cristina I want you to come see me once every two weeks; there is still a lot of things we need to go over. When you get home you are going to be a bit sentimental so please lay down and cry if you need to."

About a week before my second session I had found a small lump on the right side of my neck by my jaw and was a bit concerned. We discussed the fear for the lump I had found and also that I was no longer happy with Cesar, I told her I didn't know whether to end the relationship or not? In our pictures Cesar and I looked happy, but behind closed doors it felt like I was a prisoner in my own house. Among other things my mother came up in the conversation, I mentioned that I love her because she is my mother and even though I have forgiven her the wrong things that occured during my childhood years; it is still really difficult for me to be around her for too long. It's even hard for me to express any love to her. My therapist reply was, "Cristina you are afraid to let go of the past because you are scared of the unknown and even though what you know is hurting you, it is more comfortable for you to hurt now than go forward to the unknown." I stop now and again to think back to her words, is that true? Would I rather be hurting on what I do know which makes me unhappy, than to let go of the past and start over just because I am afraid of the unknown?

Still, I think I have been a strong woman and have held up pretty good considering the circumstances destiny has provided to this loca. I also think I have done good for myself no matter what anyone says. I didn't use the childhood excuess to fall onto the wrong path, I chose otherwise; to prove to my parents I could be better than them, and that I would prevail. Now I am 27 years old and I have completed many things that back in the day seemed unreachable, but not impossible. That Day has finally reached its course; I am a very short step to finish my Bachleors degree in Business Management and also my degree in Human Resources. I'm also finally now proud to say I am a home owner; a dream I had for so long finally has arrived. My son and I are so excited to be in our new home. There is such thing as a silverlining!

Stay tuned for more! xoxo

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Psalm 27:1

"The Lord is my light and my salvation – whom shall I fear?The Lord is the stronghold of my life – of whom shall I be afraid?"Psalm 27:1

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