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Monday, April 5, 2010

Finding Resignation

Today at work while I worked I was listening to my MP3 and in between calls I was reading a blog about how to find resignation after losing a love one. I started to read and everything it said is exactly the same pain I feel today; the pain of losing the true love of my life, the father of my child. The illusion of being able to see him again; to kiss and touch his face is so far gone.

I started to think of the precious moments we used to have together. He was my first love; the man who gave me my first kiss, the man who took my virginity and showed me what passion was all about. Jesus was the man who showed me how to love and be loved. I was thinking of the exact date of when we became boyfriend and girlfriend. When was my first kiss? It's funny how we forget dates that are important to us and we don't even realize it until we truly want to remember or when we lose a loved one, and we want to memorize all the happy times spent we spent together. Those dates I had already blocked them out of my memory until all of a sudden they came to me once again.

My first kiss was on May 16, 1997; exactly the day before when I would ask him to be my chambelan for my Quinceanera, for those of you who don't know what that is I will explain. A ;Quinceanera is a birthday party my tradition does for a 15 year old girl who leaves being a little girl and becomes a woman. Those were some of the best days of my life that I will never ever forget. How could I forget about the pain for someone who was most of the time in my life? It still hurts so much, I can not deny this. Every song I hear on the radio has a memory we spent together, every location I drive by has a history of my precious times with my Chuy. I pray that there is a heaven, a place we go to after we die so I can see my Chuy once again and be happy by his side, to tell him how much I love him and of how much I have missed him.

Sometimes I stare at my son without stop and he asks me "mom why are you staring at me?" I just smile and don't tell him why I admire his face so much. The reason is because each day that passes by, he looks so much like his father, but I keep it to myself because I don't want him to get sad. The truth is that I see the love of my life in my son; he is an exact replica of what is no longer here and that death took away from me. It is so incredible how much my son looks like Jesus; he left me an exact picture for me to look at for when he was no longer here on earth. They have the same skin color, eyes, attitude, face expressions and they even sleep alike.

I just imagine how hard it is going to be when my son gets older because the picture will be even more visible. For now the only thing I have left is the memories and the good times we spent together. The images of my memory and the pictures we took together. Sometimes I still think that I am dreaming and this is all a terrible nightmare that I can still wake up and it will all just be a dream and he will hug and tell me everything was a bad dream, but the reality is this is real; he no longer is or will be here and it hurts everyday.

It is very sad to lose a loved one; how hard it is to stay here on Earth when our loved ones are no longer here!

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Psalm 27:1

"The Lord is my light and my salvation – whom shall I fear?The Lord is the stronghold of my life – of whom shall I be afraid?"Psalm 27:1

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