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Monday, July 26, 2010

Trying to keep going...

Through the hands of Jesus Christ I will prevail; I know we go through tough times to test our faith and I have faith that God will help me through them. I have heard many don’t tell God how big your problem is, tell your problem how big God is. I pray with all my heart that some day I can be comfortable so I don’t have to struggle to make ends meet every single month and to stop living paycheck by paycheck. I’m not asking to be rich I just want to be able to survive without all the stress of either being able to eat or having to pay a bill. I know God will help me through it because I am a believer!

I have been really depressed lately, but I have been trying to break the tie with going to mass every Sunday and getting closer to God. I have been trying to keep my mind occupied on other things like reading inspirational and self help books to make my mind more at ease. I remember when I was younger I used to talk about like my problems were nothing, just a simple piece of cake. People used to say to me Cristina are you seeing a therapist? Um no why? I’m ok I have dealt with my issues since I was a kid all on my own. I guess now that I am 28 years old all those things that I thought I was dealing with all on my own just got stored up and bottled up some where deep in my soul.

I don’t know if Jesus wants something of me or if he is haunting or tormenting me because every time I try to have resignation and try to move forward to leave my life as normal as I see possible I see him in my dreams or a song I have not heard in years comes on the radio like saying Cristina remember me? I don’t know what else to do! I have prayed for his soul to be in peace, he’s family and I have asked for several masses to be given in his name. I have lit him candles to help him rest in peace, but he is still here somewhere not letting me go! All I can do is to continue to pray for his soul to rest in peace, and to let me live at peace until it is my time to reunite by his side.

My little Alexandro is in counseling now because he can’t deal with the pain of losing two father figures in such a short time; he will not talk to me about his feelings so I guess this was the only way I can try to help him cope. I have tried my best to help him deal with the pain and made myself available to him if he ever needs to talk, but I know he won’t because he see’s I am trying to deal with my own pain. I have a very smart little boy, and I thank God for him everyday, because without him I would have died years ago.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

My 28th Birthday...

Happy Birthday To Me

So today is my birthday; sadly to say it has been one of the worst birthday's I have had in my now 28 years. 

Every year I write events that have occurred during each year of my life.  This is once again the start of a new life, yet I say that every year, but with each year we change, as we grow older we get wiser more knowledgeable.

I was going to have a birthday BBQ today, but everything went wrong; my dumb ass BF drank the liquor I had for the event; he got it without my knowledge last night while spying into my conversation I was having with my mother; he got drunk because he is jealous of Jesus and Cesar.  I was on the phone with my mother and I was of course venting with the one person who would understand how I feel, but how can you be jealous of people who are not even here on earth anymore?  He states I will never love him and that part I got to hand it to him because its true and its time for goodbye; the hard thing is how to tell someone who loves you, you have tried but it just not working out.

This past year has had its ups and downs, happiness, and sadness.

My cancer still shows negative which I am so glad to say, and I am very blessed.

I bought my first home all on my own which makes me very proud because it was a long lasting dream I finally reached. 

My little Alexandro is not so little anymore he turned 9 years old, wow how the years fly by. 

I also started my new job in November 2009 at Presbyterian Hospital which I am also very thankful for because the year before last I was laid off for a very long time. 

On year 27 I had very tragic and hard sadness to deal with; we lost my 1st love Jesus, my son's father at the age of 36 on October 13, 2009 as most of you already know; this caused me true sadness and deep depression which I am still trying to cope with, but I'm getting there little by little. 

I have also lost my 2nd love Cesar on June 29, 2010 at the age of 34.  The both men I ever loved in my life are no longer here with us.  I don't know why it happened so close to each other; I am still trying to figure it out, but I know I will never know.  I don't know if I will ever love again; it is a riddle I have yet to discover. 

I am having some problems with my school and was not able to go to the summer term, and hope it all works out so I can start the fall term.  I am so close to graduation that I don't want to lose more time.  That is another bump in the road, but its just those little things that help us prove ourselves.

What I learned this year:

Dreaming is the only key to keep you going; as long as we can dream we can strive to reach them. 

You never truly know how much you have loved someone until they are no longer here on earth; of course we know we love them, but when they die, our soul feels the deep pain caused by the loss. 

Saying goodbye is the hardest thing in the world.  For me saying goodbye was harder than fighting cancer and has caused me terrible grief.

Never give up no matter how hard it might seem to keep going.  I have had many moments this past year when my main focus was just giving up and wanting to die just to be with Chuy, but there was a spark on the back of my mind I had to keep going.  I want to think I now have 2 guardian angels watching over us and that they are waiting for me when my time comes. 

There is a reason why I am still here and I believe God has yet much more lessons for me to learn, this is why I'm still here. 

Trying to love someone is not always a success; no matter how much you try to love someone, the heart can never be tamed.  I tried to be in a relationship to deal with the pain and loss of my past loves, but that was a horrible mistake because it has just caused me more unhappiness; not only to myself but to him as well.  I just hope I can end this relationship no later than Monday.

Life is unexpected; things happen in a split second; without notice or time to prepare. 

Tell the people you love you love them as often as possible because we never know if it will be the last time you can say it to them. 

Always follow your instincts, your heart, and like my BFF has always told me DON'T SELL YOURSELF SHORT OR SETTLE FOR LESS BECAUSE YOU DESERVE THE BEST. (I love you Lluvia)

I am finally ready to admit what my greatest fear is.  My greatest fear is the unknown, this is why I always get stuck in the everyday routine. (My goal on my 28th year is going to learn on how to be more adventurous and try to take more chances)

That is it for the beginning of my 28th year; lets just see how many more July's God is willing to bless me with. 

Thank you my dear lord for all the hardships, blessings, pain, sadness, and happiness's.  I know you do them for a reason even though I don't always understand them.  I just ask of you to help me through them without losing myself, and without losing you! I love you my lord.  Thank you for this day!

Update on my garden...

Ok so remember my last post Gardening Saturday  a few weeks ago? I did promise to keep you updated, well here is an update on how my flowers are coming along!

Today especially, they have filled up more and are blooming nicely!!! So happy my little garden is expanding and growing!


After 3 weeks

So that is the results of my hard work that saturday, and the sunburn I got. LOL I am excited to wait for more flowers to bloom!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

In Loving Memory of Jorge Cesar Gasson Carlos 1976-2010

Cesar was born on April 12, 1976 in Chihuahua, Chihuahua, Mexico; he was the youngest out of his 4 other siblings, he loved to dance and his favorite color was blue. Cesar was a beautiful human being; he was a happy person, he almost never got mad, and he was a major dog lover! Everyone who met Cesar would totally fall in love with his personality; he was very outgoing and made people laugh.

Cesar had many friends and he was always willing to help those who needed of him. Cesar was there by my side in the worst of times; he helped me cope when I was going through my brain tumor. With his words of inspiration of keep fighting, never give up, God is going to help us, I fought through!

Cesar and I met in Denver, Colorado on May 28, 2005 when I was down there for my cousin’s high school graduation party. I was only in Denver for 3 days; in those 3 days he never left my side, even though I would not sleep with him; he spent those nights on my mother’s couch. When the time came I would come back home he was eager for me to stay! I told him I could not stay, but that if he was serious of us having a relationship we could get to meet each other by phone, and we would see what happened.

A week after I came back from Denver, I got ill and found out about my brain tumor. I decided to move to Denver to have my surgery, we moved in with my mother since I needed someone to care for my son Alexandro in case something happened; if I couldn't make it through the surgery.

When we arrived to my mothers house there was Cesar outside of my mothers parking area with all of his things, clothes, and even his dog; I asked what are you doing?; he said I am moving in with you guys, I want to be with you, I want to be by your side and help you through this because I have fallen in love with you. After one month of knowing each other he moved in. I loved him very much, I thought I would always be by his side; we spoke of getting old together, having more kids, and seeing our grandchildren grow up.

Alexandro loved him very much; he saw him like a father, as he did him as a son. We were a family. About 3 months after we moved in with my mom; we moved out and got our own place, we stayed there till 2007; this is when we moved back to Albuquerque and he decided to follow us in the move. We were together for 4 years until one day he decided to move back to Chihuahua.  I don’t know what gave him this instinct and he left without telling me anything. He called me at work to say goodbye when he was already in El Paso, TX. I felt my world was going to tare apart; I cried many nights, I missed him so much, but there was nothing I could do; it was he’s decision.

A month later after he left it was now May, on May 2, 2008 I found out I had cancer. I still felt awful of losing someone I truly loved and now on top of this I had cancer and felt all alone; I didn’t know if I was going to make it. Cesar found out and even with him being far away, we loved each other and he would call me to make me strong; having him far away was really hard on the both of us, but there was nothing we could do. He was not a legal citizen and it would take time. Alexandro and I went to see him at Chihuahua in July of 2008 right after one of my surgeries; I got ill on the bus, but I didn’t care because I had to go so we could get married in order for me to be able to bring him back, but none of our plans went through. Cesar and I only got married by word; we put our rings on and promised each other to stay faithful to each other until the day came when we would be together again.

A week after I came from Chihuahua, I left to Denver for a second opinion; here in Albuquerque they were not giving me any hope to fight my cancer and was told I could die, so I packed a suit case and left on the bus. After my surgeries, I came back home once again to Albuquerque, and the calls between Cesar and I slowly were drifting away; every time I called he wasn’t home, Cesar and I were drifting away. I felt as though he was never going to come back.

I called and explained I didn’t want a relationship of just one call a month and that I needed more of him; that I was going insane of not knowing nothing about him, especially after knowing the stories on the news and the violence that was going on in Chihuahua, Mexico. Time and time went by, and less and less I knew about how Cesar was doing.

In September 2009 Jesus got really ill; his mother Lupe, Alexandro and I went to Matachic, Chihuahua, MX to see him; this man was the love of my life since I was 14 years old and the father of my son, I had to go.

Have you ever been in love with 2 people at once?

I didn’t think it was possible, but it is! I loved both of these men very much, but I loved Jesus even more. When I was with one I always thought of the other. I went to see Jesus and saw how ill he was and how much he needed of me; we made plans, but those also didn’t come through because he passed away on October 13, 2009.

After Jesus’ death Cesar tried his hardest to help me cope with the pain, but I was in so much pain I would not listen! He would email me to make me understand Jesus was in a better place and that I had to understand he was no longer here. I would not understand I was in too much pain, all I wanted to do at that point was die; but Cesar would never give up; he kept pushing to make me feel better.

Life is ironic, I was the one who wanted to die, and now he has lost his life! Cesar was full of life; he loved his life, and it has now been taken away by idiots who only believe in violence. Chihuahua’s situation right now is awful; the mafia is controlling everything and going to businesses to charge money in return of not burning them down.

Cesar boss refused to pay this quota since it was he’s own business; there was a drive by shooting because of this and on June 29, 2010; five workers were shot, and Cesar was shot twice on the back; he didn’t survive! I can’t believe it, I am in shock; he never got into any problems, never hurt anyone, and now they have taken his life!

This makes me terribly angry; he wanted to live, he wanted to get married, and to have kids, and now all those dreams were taken away from him. The last time I talked to Cesar was on April 12, 2010 when I emailed him to congratulate him on his 34th birthday; he was very happy to hear from me and blessed me as he always did and wished for me to be happy in everything that I decided to do with my life. Goodbye Cesar, now you’re in heaven with Jesus, and I am still here trying to cope with the pain of knowing you are both now gone!

Jorge Cesar Gasson-Carlos April 12, 1976-June 29, 2010

R.I.P you will be missed by all of us who loved you.

Cesar when I was in pain after Jesus died you asked me if I would cry if you died; this is your answer! I loved you too, I loved you with all of my heart, and Alexandro is also full of sadness to know who he saw as a father is no longer here! God rest your soul “Mi Chelos”.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Long 4th of July weekend…

I am so very excited to be off from work for 4 days; I am so going to relax and enjoy my long weekend!!!

as every other day of the week was the task of getting up, taking a shower, get ready, and going to work to make the paper.

Work was kind of hectic, not because of the working task, but because of the tension some of my co-workers put into the working place. I have never ever worked with people who act this way; it is so very stressful. This situation even causes me to have back aches and headaches!!!!

It is sad they have nothing else better to do than to bitch about everything even bitch about bitching; it’s exhausting! Just shut up, worry about yourself and do your damn job and fawk off!!!!!!

What will be the Saturday routine?
So very excited to go see “Eclipse” we are going to the early bird viewing because it’s only $5; the day has finally arrived! I wanted to go on June 30th when it first came out, but I decided to wait to save money by going to the early bird viewing instead; it saves a lot of money. After the Movies we are going to go eat at Furr’s mmmmmm yum yum.

What are your 4th of July plans?

Still not sure what is going down on this day; but definitely going to go see some fire works.

Have a safe and awesome 4th of July peeps; God Bless America the land of the FREE!

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