Happy Birthday To Me
So today is my birthday; sadly to say it has been one of the worst birthday's I have had in my now 28 years.
Every year I write events that have occurred during each year of my life. This is once again the start of a new life, yet I say that every year, but with each year we change, as we grow older we get wiser more knowledgeable.
I was going to have a birthday BBQ today, but everything went wrong; my dumb ass BF drank the liquor I had for the event; he got it without my knowledge last night while spying into my conversation I was having with my mother; he got drunk because he is jealous of Jesus and Cesar. I was on the phone with my mother and I was of course venting with the one person who would understand how I feel, but how can you be jealous of people who are not even here on earth anymore? He states I will never love him and that part I got to hand it to him because its true and its time for goodbye; the hard thing is how to tell someone who loves you, you have tried but it just not working out.
This past year has had its ups and downs, happiness, and sadness.
My cancer still shows negative which I am so glad to say, and I am very blessed.
I bought my first home all on my own which makes me very proud because it was a long lasting dream I finally reached.
My little Alexandro is not so little anymore he turned 9 years old, wow how the years fly by.
I also started my new job in November 2009 at Presbyterian Hospital which I am also very thankful for because the year before last I was laid off for a very long time.
On year 27 I had very tragic and hard sadness to deal with; we lost my 1st love Jesus, my son's father at the age of 36 on October 13, 2009 as most of you already know; this caused me true sadness and deep depression which I am still trying to cope with, but I'm getting there little by little.
I have also lost my 2nd love Cesar on June 29, 2010 at the age of 34. The both men I ever loved in my life are no longer here with us. I don't know why it happened so close to each other; I am still trying to figure it out, but I know I will never know. I don't know if I will ever love again; it is a riddle I have yet to discover.
I am having some problems with my school and was not able to go to the summer term, and hope it all works out so I can start the fall term. I am so close to graduation that I don't want to lose more time. That is another bump in the road, but its just those little things that help us prove ourselves.
What I learned this year:
Dreaming is the only key to keep you going; as long as we can dream we can strive to reach them.
You never truly know how much you have loved someone until they are no longer here on earth; of course we know we love them, but when they die, our soul feels the deep pain caused by the loss.
Saying goodbye is the hardest thing in the world. For me saying goodbye was harder than fighting cancer and has caused me terrible grief.
Never give up no matter how hard it might seem to keep going. I have had many moments this past year when my main focus was just giving up and wanting to die just to be with Chuy, but there was a spark on the back of my mind I had to keep going. I want to think I now have 2 guardian angels watching over us and that they are waiting for me when my time comes.
There is a reason why I am still here and I believe God has yet much more lessons for me to learn, this is why I'm still here.
Trying to love someone is not always a success; no matter how much you try to love someone, the heart can never be tamed. I tried to be in a relationship to deal with the pain and loss of my past loves, but that was a horrible mistake because it has just caused me more unhappiness; not only to myself but to him as well. I just hope I can end this relationship no later than Monday.
Life is unexpected; things happen in a split second; without notice or time to prepare.
Tell the people you love you love them as often as possible because we never know if it will be the last time you can say it to them.
Always follow your instincts, your heart, and like my BFF has always told me DON'T SELL YOURSELF SHORT OR SETTLE FOR LESS BECAUSE YOU DESERVE THE BEST. (I love you Lluvia)
I am finally ready to admit what my greatest fear is. My greatest fear is the unknown, this is why I always get stuck in the everyday routine. (My goal on my 28th year is going to learn on how to be more adventurous and try to take more chances)
That is it for the beginning of my 28th year; lets just see how many more July's God is willing to bless me with.
Thank you my dear lord for all the hardships, blessings, pain, sadness, and happiness's. I know you do them for a reason even though I don't always understand them. I just ask of you to help me through them without losing myself, and without losing you! I love you my lord. Thank you for this day!
"The Lord is my light and my salvation – whom shall I fear?The Lord is the stronghold of my life – of whom shall I be afraid?"Psalm 27:1
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