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Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Happy One Month Anniversary...

April 20, 2010 officially makes our one month anniversary. We have made it through a month of pain free complications; that's actually a first in my life. Alejandro moved down to Albuquerque, New Mexico from Las Vegas, Nevada on March 20, 2010 so we could be together. At first the idea kind of scared me, and made me a bit nervous to have someone I have never met in person move in with me. Would I like him? Would he like me? Sometimes people are different on the phone or online that on a personal basis. Alejandro and I met on Mocospace, yeah! out of all places this is were it turned out to be the place where I would find my other half. (Laugh out loud) We met online about a year ago and became really good friends; at the time we met I was with Jesus and planning our future together. When I was at Jesus's funeral Alejandro was the first one to call; of course he didn't know of the circumstances, but I told him I could not talk at the time because I was too upset and was grieving my loves death. My depression grew with each day that went by, I literally wanted to die. Jesus passing caused me terrible pain not even my son could make me keep going. Months passed by and Alejandro's calls became more frequent; he helped me laugh even though it was just for an instant. For that moment I could forget at least for a minute of the pain I was feeling.
Around February we were casually talking and the words that came out of his month were "Cristina I don't know when or how, but I fell in love with you", I did not know what to say and was completely in shock. I completely stayed quiet, and literally could not talk; he noticed my shock and said, "Cristina forget I said anything; I didn't want to say anything" After weeks and weeks; he begged me to be his girlfriend, but I could not accept. I was in to much pain to think of anything else, I told him I didn't want to cause him any grief with my depression and also that I didn't want to hurt him in case I was not able to love him back. Alejandro's response was he didn't care, and that he would know how to be patient. Months later after all the issues and arguments on the phone we had, we now seem to be happy! We never fight and we get along very well. I can actually now can say that I am happy... I'm still depressed about losing the love of my life which was Jesus, but till we can be together again, I can say I am happy for now!

Life is short and I know my Chuy would not want me to be lonely, so I am trying to stand tall and keep on going. I want to enjoy my life at the fullest while I still can. My advice to my readers is to never give up; and always strive to complete ones goals. Falling makes us stronger; so when you fall don't give up, just get up again and keep on going. God bless you all.

Monday, April 19, 2010


On April 13, 2010, was six months since Jesus passing, and still it hurts like yesterday. I think about him everyday, I don't even notice when his name leaves my lips. I mention him more than twice a day and think about him always.

On Friday April 16, 2010 I was feeling ill, I have a sinus infection so I have not been feeling that great. I asked my boss if I could go home early; she said yes. When I got home I took my antibiotic and a hydrocodone and fell right asleep and slept for hours. I don't know if it was the drugs or the fever, but I could not stop dreaming. If only my dreams were true; I would never want to wake up!
In my dream it was Christmas Eve, I was surrounded by friends and family; I even saw people I have not seen in years. Out of the blue moon Jesus walks in as handsome as I had never seen him before; he walked towards me and said, "babe do you want to dance with me?" He put out his hand and I took it. As he pulled me towards him, I could smell the fabric softener on his Metallica t-shirt which I used to love so much; now when I smell it I just cry. We danced for hours and even though we were surrounded by people we were in our own little world, we could hear our selves breathing. In this dream we also made love; when I woke up and realized it was just a dream, I wept with desperation. I miss him so. I woke up about ten till 6:00 p.m. it was time to pick up my son Alexandro from his grandmother's. After getting home once more I went to bed and fell right asleep. I continued to dream where I had left off the last time; this is not rare for me because it tends to happen to me quite often. I dream something, get up in the middle of the night to use the restroom and when I go back to bed I continue dreaming were I left off; strange but true. I don't know what dreams mean; I wish I did, but I appreciate these dreams with all of my heart because I can for a moment forget about reality and be with the people I love and are no longer here. I like to think I visit them in heaven when I dream about them. I just hope I continue dreaming my beloved Chuy.
Even though it hurts to wake up, its so worth falling asleep because
at least for a moment I reach true happiness. I like to think that when I dream of my Chuy I am visiting him were ever he is; for that moment I can spend time with him, show him how much I love him, and how much he still means to me. Even though he is no longer here, nothing and no one can or will take his place. I will forever love him, for an entire eternity. Later that night I dreamed about Chuy once more, but I do not recall exactly what I dreamed. My current boyfriend Alejandro woke me up; he said I was crying, and screaming like I was in true pain. I believe I was dreaming of losing Jesus, all I remember was seeing him drift away while I fell onto the green grass in the middle of a beautiful park; there I felt an enormous grief that hurt down to the bottom of my heart. I don't know if I will continue to have these kind of dreams, but if they cause me pain, I truly don't care; at least I will get to see the love of my life once more.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Confused Feelings...

Why do us humans like to complicate our life so much? Sometimes I stop to wonder that if we didn't complicate our love life; we would probably find something else to complicate. Personally I have noticed one thing; every time I'm in a new relationship, for some reason or another, I always end up thinking of the last. Why is that?

I sure hope I'm not alone on this or the only person one who feels this way. Funny thing the mind; it works in mysterious ways, and even though we want to let go of certain things from the past, the mind has its tricks to bring them back up to float. Several years ago I started to go see a therapist to see if she could help me ease my mind. I didn't think I actually needed to see one, but my friends were actually surprised I had never gone to see one. I had a hard childhood so my friends had always suggested for me to go see a therapist; they stated it would be good for me to talk to a professional about things that I just decide to bury deep down. I did not know how much I actually needed to see a therapist until I was at my first appointment; I was shocked of the things that actually came out and that I said to a total stranger. I started bawling about all these emotional feelings I had buried for so long. I also noticed tears on my therapist eyes; like she felt my pain. After the session was over she said, "Cristina I want you to come see me once every two weeks; there is still a lot of things we need to go over. When you get home you are going to be a bit sentimental so please lay down and cry if you need to."

About a week before my second session I had found a small lump on the right side of my neck by my jaw and was a bit concerned. We discussed the fear for the lump I had found and also that I was no longer happy with Cesar, I told her I didn't know whether to end the relationship or not? In our pictures Cesar and I looked happy, but behind closed doors it felt like I was a prisoner in my own house. Among other things my mother came up in the conversation, I mentioned that I love her because she is my mother and even though I have forgiven her the wrong things that occured during my childhood years; it is still really difficult for me to be around her for too long. It's even hard for me to express any love to her. My therapist reply was, "Cristina you are afraid to let go of the past because you are scared of the unknown and even though what you know is hurting you, it is more comfortable for you to hurt now than go forward to the unknown." I stop now and again to think back to her words, is that true? Would I rather be hurting on what I do know which makes me unhappy, than to let go of the past and start over just because I am afraid of the unknown?

Still, I think I have been a strong woman and have held up pretty good considering the circumstances destiny has provided to this loca. I also think I have done good for myself no matter what anyone says. I didn't use the childhood excuess to fall onto the wrong path, I chose otherwise; to prove to my parents I could be better than them, and that I would prevail. Now I am 27 years old and I have completed many things that back in the day seemed unreachable, but not impossible. That Day has finally reached its course; I am a very short step to finish my Bachleors degree in Business Management and also my degree in Human Resources. I'm also finally now proud to say I am a home owner; a dream I had for so long finally has arrived. My son and I are so excited to be in our new home. There is such thing as a silverlining!

Stay tuned for more! xoxo

Friday, April 9, 2010

Death Survivor...

The reason is unknown, but my life has not been easy. I know I should not complain because truly I have had wonderful miracles provided to me, and I am grateful everyday. When things go so terribly wrong in my life I always decide to think back to those who are not as fortunate as me and are probably going through worse things in life. I do sometimes stop to think of why I have gone through so much in my life throughout the years.

Back on May 5, 2008, I was 25 years old asking my self Cristina you are 25 years old and you still have not competed any of the goals you have set for yourself. You still don't have that prince charming to come and rescue you and take you under his shining armor. All the relationships you've had have failed; You give 100% of yourself to make it work and make your partner happy, but at the end it was always you who ended up losing. All my life I have strive to survive of being unloved by my mother, father, and all the partners that have came in and out of my life. I have tried my best to bring up my child on my own and show him all that I can be.

On June 2, 2005 I started to get severe stomach cramping, those you feel when you think you're going to die. I could no longer take the pain, so I called it quits. I went to my bosses office and asked to go home. I left, picked up my son from daycare, after that I totally lost track of what happened or how I even got home. All I remember is waking up and feeling pain all over my body, and a weakness that I had never felt before; I could not even walk. I truly felt like I was going to die, I was so scared for my son; he was only 4 years old. The two of us lived alone so in case of an emergency, he would be alone if something happened to me. I was terrified of dying and leaving my son home alone. the only thing I knew was I had to get my self up to call his grandma. I actually crawled from my room to the living room to get to the phone, I could not get up to walk I was too weak; I could not even talk. I picked up the receiver and called Lupe my son's grandmother, I said Lupe I am dying and if you do not hear from me please come and pick up my son; she could not even understand what I was saying because my words were mumbled.

After I hung up with her I looked at the date and time on the phone, I had slept for a week since I had got home from work that day; I was totally out of it for an entire week! I was like how is that possible is this date wrong? Ten minutes later my brother-in-law knocked at the door and my son answered the door, I was passed out on the floor; he carried me to the truck and rushed me to urgent care. When we got there they took me in right away! I was put to an IV and was asked to lay and sit while they checked my blood pressure, it was too low. They took some labs and my blood levels were way out of range; my blood count was at -4 they said I was septic and that if I would have waited two more hours to be seen, I would have died. They called the ambulance and rushed me to Presbyterian Hospital; there they put eleven bags of IV until finally I started to get my strength back. At work everyone thought I had quit because I had not shown up or called in; I felt so bad but what could I do? It was not something I could have controlled.

Two days passed and I felt a little better; on the third day I was in the bathroom combing my hair and all of a sudden I lost my eye sight for about 1 minute. That totally freaked me out! I got so worried. I started to feel nausea and light headed; after about 5 minutes I fainted, good thing I fell on the bed or that would have hurt like a son of a gun! When I came to my senses I called my father and asked him to take me to the ER, I explained what had happened a few days prior and that I was concerned. It took my father about 45 minutes to get to my house, it took a while for them to take me in. After my father complained to the nurses that they were taking too long and told them that I as getting pale, they took me in. They took me in for an MRI after a few hours the doctor came in and said Cristina you have a brain tumor. I was in shock and literally I didn't know what I was going to do; I asked the doctor so what do I do? How do I get better? Where do I go? Please help me I don't want to die? My father started to cry; this cold hearted personality man who I had never seen tears on his eyes, not even when my grandma died. So many things passed through my mind while I lay there in that cold ER room. The first thing I thought of was my son, if I died who would take care of him? I don't wish this feeling on anyone not even my worst enemy!

My father called my mother and she came down from Denver the next day. I was out of work for about 2 weeks. The week I slept without knowledge and the second week my primary care doctor gave me to rest of the week to get better from all the pain and trauma I had been through.

As soon as I was released from the hospital I started to analyze and try to figure out what I was going to do and how to begin to fight this! I went to go see a general surgeon; he was the scariest doctor I have ever met in my life. He said I would have to have my head completely open and have the scull sawed to get to the brain; that I could die during the surgery and that it was a truly high risk surgery. I was totally in shock and cried my self to sleep. I didn't know who would take care of my son Alexandro while I as going through all these or if I would even be there after to see him grow up. This was a truly hard and difficult time, but yet I still took time to stay positive, laugh and smile with my friends.

My brain surgery was done on November 28, 2005 I had to be in the hospital at 5:00 a.m. the night before I decided to leave my son at my cousins so he would not be running around the hospital; that good bye was the worst ones of my life. I had to explain to him why he had to stay and I even brought myself to tell him that if for some reason God didn't want us to see each other again that I loved him and that I would be watching over him always! He cried and said mommy but why do you have to take that ball out of your brain, can't you just leave it there mommy? I'm scared! I said baby I'm scared too, but we are going to pray with all of hearts for everything to come out well and soon we will be see each other again. After an hour of crying and saying goodbye I finally brought myself to leave and go home and get everything ready for the big day. I got home and I could not sleep, I laid down and would just cry. So many things passed through my mind and that was my baby Alex, why if I never saw him again? If I was no longer here would he turn out to be a good human being like I wish for him to be? I was truly scared. Cesar my boyfriend at that time hugged me and said Cristi everything is going to turn out fine; then we both started crying.

The clock hit 4:00 a.m. and we got up brushed our teeth and went to pick up my mom and dad. When we got to the hospital my fear grew more and more, the halls seemed cold and I started to get truly nervous. They put me in a small room and asked me to remove all my clothing and to put on the hospital robe. After changing all I could do was cry, I was really nervous; this was going to be my first surgery ever, and brain surgery at that, so I didn't know what to expect. Only two people could be in the room with me so my mom and dad took turns since I didn't want Cesar to leave, I was too scared. When the nurse came in she said are you ready? My response was no way! The nurse saw me crying and the tension I felt was expressed on my face; she said Cristina I am going to give you a medicine that is going to make you feel better and will help relax you. After she injected the medication even though my mind was still tense, my body felt total relaxation. One thing for sure is that the medication didn't stop me from crying and feeling scared. About 10 minutes passed and the medication had already started to kick in, the nurse came back and said OK Cristina it's time. I said my good byes to Cesar, my father, and my mother; I told them how much I love them.

The bed started to move and I got chills throughout my entire body. We went through the coldest and darkest hallway I have ever seen in my life. This hallway led to the operating room; entering the room I was amazed on how big it was. There was a huge table covered in knifes and a big saw; that was an awkward experience, it was a bit scary for a person like me that was about to have surgery to see. The nurses introduced themselves; one of them said Cristina I will be the one who will be by your side throughout you entire surgery and when you wake up; she hold my hand and said everything will be just fine. They started to hook me up to all the monitors and wires. Dr. Barron and Dr. Levy both smiled at me and said OK we are ready; they put a mask on me and asked to start counting backwards from one-hundred. I think I dowsed off at bout 89 because that is all I remember.

That sleep was the most amazing sleep, the best I have ever had in my life; the weired part was that I dreamed I walked through that dark and cold hallway and passed by the lobby where my family was waiting for me. That is all I remember from being asleep. Nine hours later I was in the recovery room asleep; Cesar woke me up and said mija wake up mi amor. I could feel someone shacking me but I could not wake up. When I opened my eyes all the pain rushed to my head and nose; I felt like a train had ran over me, it was awful. I had tubes in my nose and lots of gos it hurt like a bitch, pardon my french. My father, mother, and uncle walked in, but I really didn't pay attention to them; I was in too much pain! Ten minutes later I received a phone call, it was my boss and friends from work, they wanted to say hi and let me know they were all praying for me. I felt truly special and loved.

About 2 hours later, they move me into a room; when I got settled in my mother was crying, but I didn't truly know why; I was doing OK, there really was no reason to be crying. Later that day I received two dozen white and red roses on a beautiful purple vase; there was five balloons attached as well that said get well soon! On the card it sad hope you get better love you always Jesus & Alexandro, we love you! I don't know how Jesus found out what hospital I was in, but I was happy and grateful he thought of me during those tough times.

Later that evening my doctors came in to see me, the first thing they said was Cristina you are a miracle. I just smiled but didn't know what they meant by it! After I found out about the news I was totally shocked and so grateful to be here; I also know I have to be here for a reason, I still don't know what it is yet but I sure will figure it out. My surgery was eight hours long; towards the end of my surgery I started to leave this world. I was dying; the doctors tried to bring me back but it wouldn't work, they gave up! Dr. Levy went out and told my family I had died and that they were really sorry but there was nothing they could do. My family was devastated! When they went back to the room to unhook the monitor and wires, my heart beat came back and I was back to this world. This explains the terrible bruises I had on my chest! I started to cry when I was told all this, I could not believe it could be true; I died for about 15 minutes; and I do not remember what I saw. I think that was when I thought I was dreaming and went through the hallway and into the lobby to see my family. God wanted me here for a reason; this I know. My doctors were totally amazed and stated they would never forget my name or what happened.

I spent nine days at Saint Anthony's Hospital. I still had tubes in my nose, staples on my head where they had latched my head so it wouldn't move, and the oxygen mask was so uncomfortable. Finally I was released from the hospital, but I had to continue to be with the tubing in my nose for 3 more weeks. Most of my time I was out of it; I was in so much pain. The only thing that would help the pain was percocets; if I didn't take them all I would do is cry and when I did take them all I would do is sleep. The pain was worth it because I knew that I was alive.

Three weeks passed and it was time to remove the tubing I was scared of the pain. My son Alex would give me a hug and if he touched just a little bit of my nose I thought I was going to die! There was tubes sewed onto the inside walls of my nose which was very painful. I would think of the pain I was going to feel when they were removed. Just how I expected it was going to be; it was! I got to the doctors office and when they called my name I said to my self here we go. I begged the doctor to knock me out but he just laughed and said no Cristina you have to be awake for this. Dr. Barron got the pliers, scissors, and some clips and started to cut the stitches from the inside that were attached to the walls of the nose, then he said are you ready for the tubes to be pulled off? I of course said. "No put me to sleep first" here we go he said. I yelled very loud they heard me all the way to the lobby! It was very painful, but after it was over I felt a great relief. After the tubes were removed I had to spray saline solution in my nose to avoid infection.

The brain tumor was removed through my nose; no open head surgery like they had said here in Albuquerque. Denver Doctors are the best and have saved my life in so many ways! The tumor turned out to be Begin, and my migraine headaches went away. I no longer had fainting spells or loss of eye sight, I was back to my old self again. Life was awesome! God is kind and I thank him for my life everyday...

God bless you, never give up! I know that things may seem like they never get better, but with faith and inter strength we can triumph. As for me I triumph against death, I am a miracle. Peace be with you and God Bless.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

What Made Me Become a Stronger Woman

My Past Made Me A Stronger Woman

As a child my life was a hard one. When I was nine years old, my mother became pregnant with my younger brother Dimas. After Dimas was born, my mother made me the responsible mother; she should have been. She was never home to take care of us; she was always working. My brother used to call me mommy. When my brother was taken to a doctor appointment; the doctor would assume I was the mother and my mother the grandma; I thought it was kind of funny, but my mother sure did not. I was the one to get up throughout the night to feed and change my brother. I was responsible for everything around the house. My day routine would be to get up; make every bed in the house; change, and get ready for school; change, and feed my little brother. Then, I would walk down the street to drop off my little brother at the babysitters. I had to carry my backpack, the diaper bag, my violin and, of course; my month year-old little brother. After having to drop off my brother at the babysitters, I had to walk about a mile to get to the bus stop and go to school. After school I would walk a mile again, and pick up my brother from the babysitters; go home; get dinner ready, clean the house, and start doing my homework. When my mother would get home from work, the house would be spot less, and have the smell of pine-sol; it still would not be good enough for her. She would make me start all over again, and clean once more. I grew up believing my mother did not love me. She never made me feel special; everything I did was never right or good enough for her. When I turned 15 years-old, I had my Quinceañera party. This was the first time in my life, I truly felt special. This was one of the best days in my life. Two days later, my mother informs me; she and my father are getting a divorce. The reason they did not mention it before is because; they did not want to ruin my birthday. The divorce takes its course; things went from bad to worse.

Become Stronger

In August of 1997 my parents were divorced. My brother and I moved in with my mother because my father is an alcoholic; he would not be able to raise children by himself or would want to for that matter. Even though my mother never truly showed me any love, I used to look up to her. I once admired how hard she used to work to help support our family. I honestly believed I had to be responsible for taking care of my brother to help her. After my parents divorce; the relationship between my mother and I, went from bad to worse; she was now a free woman. She decided to start a whole new life without us children. My mother had bloomed into a want to be a teenager again sort of faze. She started to date different men and bringing them to our home. I never had the chance to go to the movies with my friends or nothing for that matter. I always had to stay home and be a mother to my little brother.

Things Happen For a Reason

On July 9, 1998 my mother introduced me to one of her so many, so called boyfriends; she was dating four men at the time. This one was named Agustin. The following morning around 5:00a.m my mother was off to work; an hour later the phone rings, it was her boyfriend Agustin. I mentioned to Agustin that my mother was not home and suggested for him to call her at work. Agustin states he was not calling to talk to my mother, but wanted to speak to me. Agustin said he liked me, and that he wanted to start a new relationship with me. What a sick man, I was 16 years-old that day, and he was 35. Of course I blew him off. I also mentioned to him in detail my mother would find out about this situation as soon as she arrived home from work. When my mother arrived home from work, I mentioned to her what had happened earlier with Agustin; she called him, and he totally changed the story around in his favor. Agustin told my mother I had called him, and that I started to flirt with him. Agustin said I had asked him out. My mother knew this man for as long as two weeks, and took the words of this man over her own daughter. This was the worst day of my life. I felt so lonely; if my mother who brought me into this world did not believe me; who would? I was so depressed, and committed the worse thing someone can do. I tried to commit suicide with an over dose of pills. I thank God today nothing happened to me; my soul would have been lost. That was the day of my sixteenth birthday it was on July 10, 1998. My mother kicked me out of her house and into the street on my birthday. She only allowed me to take the clothes I had on my back. I called my mamita and papito; they are like my second parents. They took care of me since I was two days old. My mamita Rosa and Papito Felipe took me in their house. Months later I moved in with my now ex boyfriend Jesus, and lost my virginity. That year, I finished my junior year in high school to then drop out, and help Jesus pay the bills. When I turned 18 years-old, I became pregnant with my son Alexandro. I was so happy. Finally someone would honestly love me. Jesus beat up on me throughout my entire pregnancy, and was jealous of every one who would go near me. All though he was the first man I had ever been with, he would say our child was someone elses.

Have Courage

In May 2001 my relationship with Jesus worsens. My son and I had nothing to eat. I was not allowed to work nor had a babysitter or car to look for one. At this time my mother and I were sort of talking to each other again. She had now remarried with her husband Martin. The day I finally said this is enough; was when I gave Jesus some money to go to the store and buy our son some baby powder milk. Jesus comes home with a case of beer; he tells me he did not have enough money for our son's milk. The following morning I call my mother. My son Alex and I moved in with her. Not even two months later; my mother once more tells me, I have to leave her house do to her demented husband Martin being jealous of my nine month year-old son. Martin said my son Alex took all my mothers attention away form him; he told her it was either us or him. Once more, I am out in the street, and this time with a child. My father had also remarried; he was not living at our old house anymore; the house was vacant. My father said it was fine if my son and I moved in.

Always Keep Trying

Not even a month later, I established a reasonable employment. I bought a new car, and was truly working hard to support my son, and pay for daycare. Three years later, I find an employment which paid a much better wage. I also went out, and received my high school diploma. Now I am 27 years-old, and currently attending college at National American University to obtain my degree. I have come a long way. What makes me so proud is the fact that I never let my personality change; instead of becoming weak, I became a much stronger individual. I did not become a gangster. I did not start doing drugs or start feeling sorry for myself; instead, I became a survivor. The situations from my past are the weapon that made me into the woman I am today. I am proud to say; I also have no worries about my son ever having to feel ashamed of me. Every time he hugs me or tells me that he loves me, I know my life is worthwhile. I will do my best to graduate from college and give my son the life my parents never gave me.

The Hopes and Dreams of a Mexican Immigrant

Inhumanity and Lack of Compassion

I cannot bring myself to understand the inhumanity, and lack of compassion our countries government has brought upon us today. The inconsideration against illegal immigrants everyday goes from bad to worse. I want people and the government to understand the meaning of humanity and respect. I want the government and the individuals who are against immigrants to put themselves into the immigrant's shoes for once. I want them to realize the hardship and misfortunes they go through everyday. I want everyone to have the same opportunities as everyone else is entitled.

I cannot say I agree with illegal immigration or with immigrants who illegally cross our United States borders without legal documentation because I know it is wrong. What I can understand is why they decide to make this decision. United States of America is one of the greatest countries in the world. Everyone who was born here can truly say I am proud to be an American, I do everyday. We as American Citizens have the right to our freedom, employment opportunities, and help from our government when we are in hunger.

Mexican Government

Mexico unfortunately does not have the same opportunities. Even though Mexico is a free country it is governed by the worst corrupted presidents. Mexican presidents care more about their own status and well being. They do not care about making a difference to their country never the less to their citizens. Although this is truly sad for me to say I honestly believe the Mexican government only cares about planning how to steal money before their presidency is over. This government can care less about innocent Mexicans who die everyday trying to survive; Mexicans who die of hunger, or have no occupation to support their family. In Mexico, if one is fortunate to have an employment one is lucky if paid 50 dollars per week. I do not understand why everything in Mexico is much more expensive than it is here in the United States when life there is much more difficult, and salaries are so much less. The only cause to blame for Mexican immigration is the Mexican government it self.

The Mexican Dream

It is not easy to cross the Mexican border; hundreds of Mexicans lose their lives everyday to reach a dream. The Mexican dream is to survive, gain employment, work hard to give their families a decent way of life. To overcome the racism of individuals who see them just simply as a criminal.

The dream of a Mexican is just to work hard, make money to send to their families who are having a hard time of survival in Mexico. The Mexican mother who leaves her children behind with the hope of seeing them one more time; she crosses that border with the dream of buying books to be able to send her children to school, to give them a decent meal, and put clothing over their backs.

The Mexican father and husband who leaves without knowing if he will ever see his family again; he crosses that border without knowing if he will make it or die trying. He takes the risk to give his family the opportunity to have a better well being, to have his wife and children seen by a doctor and pay for their medications because in Mexico if one does not have money it can be impossible to be treated at a hospital.

The Mexican son whom crosses at the age of 15 years-old leaves his child hood and studies behind because his tired of seeing his parents old, tired, and ill. He needs money to help pay for his parent's medications and help raise his brothers and sisters. Mexicans do not cross our borders for luxury they cross it for necessity.


Immigrants in the United States have helped our economy a great deal over the years. They have now made this country their home and have been working so hard for their survival, and for their family. Ever since George W. Bush the United States government has changed. The government now seems to see immigrants only as criminals that have broken the law. The government has lost humanity and compassion, our government now tells immigrants they have to leave. Immigrants now have to change their way of living. They now need to leave the life they have worked so hard to gain over the years. To the immigrant they are not just telling them to leave, they are telling them to wait to die, wait to live, or just wait for an absolution.

The United States government wants to make the Spanish language extinct and for it to become a crime. I refuse to let go of my heritage and I refuse to stop speaking my language. I will speak Spanish for the rest of my life and it will be passed on to my children. Some states have already taken certain rights away from immigrants. Although immigrants have helped our economy for years they no longer have the right to rent a place to live. Residential owners have been forced to refuse renting to immigrants. Even some companies have been forced to refuse their services to immigrants, for example: gas, electric, cable, or telephone companies. These events are uncompassionate to my opinion. Where and how are all these individuals supposed to survive? These circumstances are against humanity; to leave all these individuals out in the street without the language they only know, without a home, and without employment. The United States government is not only being uncompassionate against immigrants but also to the immigrant's family.

Thousands of families are being forced to be separated by all these new laws being set. Hundreds of Mexican immigrants have children who have been born in the United States and are American citizens. Even though they are American citizens they are being forced to leave their parents; their parents are being sent back to Mexico. Some children have no other family other than their immigrant parents and are being forced to move to Mexico; a country they do not recognized. These children are being cheated out of the opportunities from the country they were born in.

Proud To Be Mexican American

Not only am I proud to be American but, I am proud to be Mexican. I am proud to be a daughter of a Mexican immigrant, although my father has been a legal resident for years now, he once was an immigrant himself. He has told me many sad and scary stories about his gurneys. Even though these events took place over 50 years ago my father still remembers them as if they were yesterday. He speaks about the times he had to cross the border as an illegal immigrant. Once he mentioned to me, he and his friends had to eat a cat. They had been walking for days with nothing to eat. They were so hungry they killed a cat they found and cooked it to eat; this was just one of his many gurneys. Still to this very day I remember my father's words and it makes me so sad to hear my people are being so mistreated. Although I was not born in Mexico I carry it in my blood and I believe in their pain. I will always support my people even if I am aware they have broken the law. I know it was done for a reason, it was broken to survive. I wish all the individuals who see immigrants as criminals will think back at my words and put themselves in their shoes. Do these people not think they would have done the same thing? I know if I had to risk my life for my son or my family, I would without a doubt; even if I had to break the law.

I want the United States government to give a more reasonable solution to all these individuals that have once risked their lives for a better absolution. I want the government to take into consideration the families that are being forced to separate. There is other ways to handle immigration. Protect our borders with higher security so no other immigrants come in and die in the desert. To the immigrants that are already living here should have the right to stay together with their family. Let's not give them an award of being thrown out worse than dogs, let us be compassionate to those who once decided to cross a border and risk their lives for a better dream.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

A Reason, A Season or A Lifetime...

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

When you know which one it is , you will know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.

They may seen like a god send and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on you part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and fore you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, your desire fulfilled, their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into you life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it, it is real, but only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

When I die...

When I die...
I don't want you to cry...
I want you to be happy for me...
I will then be in peace...

When I die...
I want you to keep standing...
Don't let yourself fall...

When I die and expire...
I want you to find the most beautiful roses...
leave them on top my cold tomb...
But before you leave them there...
Chose one and give it to the person you most love...
Take another and give it to that person who you always saw with indifference and never took the time to get to know...

You ask why? I want you to meet people and make new friends...

The next rose...
I want you to give it to your mother...
So she can see how much she means to you...
When you give it to her, tell her how much you love her...

Take another rose and give it to the person you most hate...
How Ironic hu? I just want you to learn how to get rid of resentment...
And the other rose give it to the person whom takes care of the cemetery...
Why? Just to thank him or her for taking care of all those souls who rest in peace and for guarding that no one interrupts their everlasting dreams...

When you have only one rose left...
there on top of tomb let it fall...
I will let a beautiful bird come and take it away and fly away into the blue sky, letting some of the petals fall; those in which will decorate my cold tombstone...

When I stop living...
I want you to look at the stars and look for mine...
I want you to become its owner...
Every night when you look at it, you can remember me...
With that star you can remember that you were considered someone every special in my heart...

Look for excellence not for perfection...
I love my family and friends. if I die tomorrow remember me with happiness and not sorrow...

Monday, April 5, 2010

Finding Resignation

Today at work while I worked I was listening to my MP3 and in between calls I was reading a blog about how to find resignation after losing a love one. I started to read and everything it said is exactly the same pain I feel today; the pain of losing the true love of my life, the father of my child. The illusion of being able to see him again; to kiss and touch his face is so far gone.

I started to think of the precious moments we used to have together. He was my first love; the man who gave me my first kiss, the man who took my virginity and showed me what passion was all about. Jesus was the man who showed me how to love and be loved. I was thinking of the exact date of when we became boyfriend and girlfriend. When was my first kiss? It's funny how we forget dates that are important to us and we don't even realize it until we truly want to remember or when we lose a loved one, and we want to memorize all the happy times spent we spent together. Those dates I had already blocked them out of my memory until all of a sudden they came to me once again.

My first kiss was on May 16, 1997; exactly the day before when I would ask him to be my chambelan for my Quinceanera, for those of you who don't know what that is I will explain. A ;Quinceanera is a birthday party my tradition does for a 15 year old girl who leaves being a little girl and becomes a woman. Those were some of the best days of my life that I will never ever forget. How could I forget about the pain for someone who was most of the time in my life? It still hurts so much, I can not deny this. Every song I hear on the radio has a memory we spent together, every location I drive by has a history of my precious times with my Chuy. I pray that there is a heaven, a place we go to after we die so I can see my Chuy once again and be happy by his side, to tell him how much I love him and of how much I have missed him.

Sometimes I stare at my son without stop and he asks me "mom why are you staring at me?" I just smile and don't tell him why I admire his face so much. The reason is because each day that passes by, he looks so much like his father, but I keep it to myself because I don't want him to get sad. The truth is that I see the love of my life in my son; he is an exact replica of what is no longer here and that death took away from me. It is so incredible how much my son looks like Jesus; he left me an exact picture for me to look at for when he was no longer here on earth. They have the same skin color, eyes, attitude, face expressions and they even sleep alike.

I just imagine how hard it is going to be when my son gets older because the picture will be even more visible. For now the only thing I have left is the memories and the good times we spent together. The images of my memory and the pictures we took together. Sometimes I still think that I am dreaming and this is all a terrible nightmare that I can still wake up and it will all just be a dream and he will hug and tell me everything was a bad dream, but the reality is this is real; he no longer is or will be here and it hurts everyday.

It is very sad to lose a loved one; how hard it is to stay here on Earth when our loved ones are no longer here!

Friday, April 2, 2010

I don't know how or when but I fall in love.

In 1996 the love of my life came into my life to cause tremendous confusion and emotions...

That love is named Jesus Manuel Nevarez Cruz; I was 14 and he was 23.

I didn't know what love was.

Back in the day the only thing I knew was that every time I saw him or heard his voice I felt butterflies in my stomach just of the excitement...

My Chuy was my first love...

later came the first kiss, which was one of the best days of my life...
Years later came our first time which our bodies became one.
Two years later came our son Alexandro.

Alexandro was our most precious satisfaction and our greatest happiness.
Later came arguments and we separated
Even apart we never stopped loving each other.

I had boyfriends after, but I never felt the butterflies.
I was never able to be happy because I always kept the wish on the back of my mind that all I wanted was to be with my Chuy...

On September 2009 we saw each other once more; I was able to taste the flavor of his mouth and the tenderness of his hugs. We made so many plans and goals for us to be happy again; we planed to be a family once more and give our son a true family.

Unfortunately that's what a stayed as just plans that will no longer become true! It will stay as a beautiful dream that I must never be able to reach. My Chuy died one month later and with him my heart dies too. Tuesday, October 13, 2009 I died with him because that is what I feel I living here with a dead heart. Seeing my son cry for his daddy is the most unbearable thing I can go through; he asks God why? It drives me crazy, I cant see my son suffer this way, and I feel so alone... Nobody understands, the only people who understand are those who feel the same pain we are going through.

At times I think about continue on living my life like everyone says I should, but deep down in my soul I feel guilt that I am still on this earth and he is no longer here. How can I be living my life like nothing happened if the other half of my soul is no longer here? how?

How can I make someone happy if I am so tore up on the inside and dying of pain? No one understands and some times I feel so alone.

I need you and you're no longer here...

Now that you are no longer here, I need you more than ever. I need the hugs and kisses you used provided and gave me with all your love. With everyday, our love would grow like velocity. Remember when I used to wake you up in the middle of the night just to hear your voice? To wake up and know I had you was the most incredible feeling because you used to give meaning to my life. When I was cold you were my coat, you made me feel loved and the most special woman on earth, you melted the ice with the tact of your lips; you made me reach towards the stars. I was forever the slave of you eyes; to look deep in to them was all I needed to feel comfort.
If you were here with me now, I would need nothing more. This is why I say and write it; the best thing that has happend in my life was meeting you and making you part of of it; you gave me the most precious gift which is the blessing of motherhood. You forever left a piece of you with me; a foto of you which I see everyday, and that is our son Alexandro. Everyday he looks more like you. Babe my beloved Chuy I loved you yesterday, I love you now, and I will love you forever, and it will always be that way. I miss you everyday of my life and that will continue being that way until we are together again.

Psalm 27:1

"The Lord is my light and my salvation – whom shall I fear?The Lord is the stronghold of my life – of whom shall I be afraid?"Psalm 27:1

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