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Saturday, August 21, 2010

Update that I am still alive…

I have not blogged in soooooo long; my life has been truly hectic. Lots of problems, one after the other, but I am still here trying to survive as we must. My depression has gotten worse and it gets me awfully mad at myself that I can not control it. Now I am also getting anxiety attacks, I am on celexa for depression and xanix for anxiety. I used to be able to handle life without drugs and now if I don’t take these two little pills I can’t get through the day.

Sadly my son has started therapy; I can no longer do it on my own to help him cope with the loss of two father figures plus everything else his seen through my sickness. He lost his biological father in October of 2009, and also Cesar another figure he once called dad in June 2010. He has depressed anxiety according to his therapist; he has now been to 2 sessions, his third one will be in September. I just hope we can deal with this before he gets older and gets to the point where I am now.

My poor baby has seen his parents go through a lot, and it is now affecting him in a way I didn’t notice before; he is not the kid I once knew, I too am not the same Cristina I remember. First it was because of my brain tumor in 2005, second dealing with my cancer in 2008 till this day still fighting it. Third the passing of Chuy his father in October 2009, and Fourth the passing of Cesar June 2010, plus my depression and anxiety as well. This is a lot to deal with for a 9 year old.

About 2 weeks ago he was crying, I went up to him to ask what was wrong; he said he prays to God to make him a better person, but that it never works! I was heart broken to hear those words come out of his mouth because I know he is an awesome kid. I said babe you are the greatest person I know, you have stood by my side through all my sickness and would not leave the hospital under any condition, you don’t do drugs, smoke, or in gangs; babe you are an awesome person. It hurts me deeply that he thinks these things have happened to him because he says he is a bad person. :(

To my readers I just ask that you send your good vibes our way and to pray for us; this will help our life a little easier to cope. Have a blessed day and God bless you!


4 comments:

  1. AM glad you have posted, I am sorry to hear that things have not been too good :(! Keep your head up sweetie and be strong I know you can do it, I know you have been handed a difficult hand but trust me God would have not given that to you if he did not think you could handle it! I'll be keeping you in my prayers and sending as many good vibes as I possibly can. One day at a time sweetie, one day at a time!! :)

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  2. Cristina, I'm so glad you updated. I have no words of wisdom for your son, but I am glad you're having him to go counseling. Not only is he going through this heartbreak, he's also at a tender age. And I think it's normal for him to want to blame himself. It's like when parents get divorced and the child blames themselves, trying to figure out what they did wrong. Stand by him like you are, and keep your chin up. You have people who care about you guys!

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  4. Hey Cristina, just checking in. Hope you guys are doing ok.

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Psalm 27:1

"The Lord is my light and my salvation – whom shall I fear?The Lord is the stronghold of my life – of whom shall I be afraid?"Psalm 27:1

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