CUANDO YO MUERA

Cuando yo muera…
No quiero que llores…
Sino mas bien que te alegres…
Ya que estaré en paz…

Cuando yo muera…
Quiero que sigas de pie…
Y no te dejes caer…

Cuando yo muera y expire…

Quiero que busques las rosas mas lindas…
Y que las dejes en mi tumba pero antes de dejarlas allí…

Eligué una y regala la a la persona que mas ames…

Toma otra y entregársela a aquella persona que con indiferencia siempre veías pasar y con la que nunca tuviste algún trato…

¿Para que? Quiero que conozcas gente y entables nuevas amistades…

La próxima rosa…

Quiero que se al des a tu madre…
Para que ella vea que significa mucho para ti…
Y cuando se la obsequies déle cuanto la quieres…

Tomo otra rosa y entregarla a la persona que mas odias…

¿Que irónico no? Solo deseo que aprendas a librarte del rencor…

Y a la otra rosa…

Entregársela al cuidador del cementerio…

¿Para que? Solo agradecerle por cuidar todas aquellas almas que descansan en paz...
Y por vigilar que nadie interrumpa sus sueños…

Y cuando quede una sola rosa…

Ahí recién deja la en mi tumba…
Y voy a dejar que una gaviota venga y la agarre y salga volando dejando caer algunos pétalos, los cuales adornaran mi lapida fría…

Cuando yo termine de vivir…
Quiero que mires las estrellas y busques la mía…
Quiero que te adueñes de ella y cada noche cuando la observes me recuerdes y sepas que fuiste alguien importante para mi.

Siempre busca la excelencia no la perfección.  ¡Los Amo!

Cristina Rodríguez

Status of life occurrences...

So life has not been so easy lately. The seller whom I did my real estate contract to purchase my home kept all of the monies from the insurance and my home has not been fixed from the flood that the frozen pipes caused back on February 2nd occurred. With all I am dealing with emotionally and physically with my cancer it has caused more stress on my life. I had to hire an attorney which I had never ever in my life had to do.

I don’t understand how people can be so fake and so cruel. I am living in a home that is not livable, getting ready to have an important surgery due to my cancer and knowing all these issues she still didn’t care and did all this to me. I guess it’s hard to believe there are people so hurtful in this world when I myself would never do that to anyone especial not to anyone in need.

God will do justice on her and with time she will pay for her do’s, until then lets just hope that my attorney can make her pay some do’s here on earth for now. I don’t like to fight, but I never give up! I will fight till the end for justice and to survive.

I wanted to do a little party for Alexandro for his 10th birthday in May at the house, but with all this going on I guess it will not be possible. At times I don’t even know what to feel if to choose life or death, then I wake up and think about my little Alex, he needs me. A lot of things have happened in such a little time and I still don’t know how to cope with so many problems God tests me with. I still miss Chuy a lot and think about him every single day. It may seem sad, but I have actually given up on love, I will never love again. I have a BF, but I will never be able to love him with the strength and passion that I still love Chuy with.

So on Monday 18th finally my consult with the surgeon; I am almost sure my surgery will be on the Friday 22nd. The 19th is open too, but its @ Kaseman the other hospital is where I had my other surgery’s and didn’t turn out to well, so I want to have it @ the main Presbyterian hospital were I work at. Let’s see what she says on Monday. I am kind of nervous, if you are a previous reader as you know I died in 2005 after a surgery I had to remove a brain tumor! Life is always in God’s hands and he decides whether to keep us here to continue learning or take us to rest in peace! Thanks for reading; I needed to VENT a little!!! God bless and have a wonderful day.

Tuesday of Terror…

I call it Tuesday of terror because today it was the gynecologist appointment; I hate pap smears, I hate them so much I had not had one since my son was born. Yup, it has been 9 years since my last one; what can I say I don’t like them and it’s kind of a phobia for me! I wouldn’t have gone if I weren’t having the problems I am currently having.

 

So I went to work today, I left early around 1:00 p.m., Alejandro and Alexandro picked me up from work, so we went to Ho Ho’s for lunch prior to my appointment, and let me just say I will never ever return there again; I don’t even want to get started on the restroom, I just went in to wash my hands and I think my hands were cleaner while going in than when I came out! The chairs were all sticky and the lamps on the ceiling had like 3 inches worth of dust mites on them ewwwww nasty! If I wake up with food poison or something of that nature, we now what caused it.

We arrived to the gynecologist @ 2:15 p.m. and I was nervous; about 15 min to 3:00 p.m. they finally called me in; they took all my medical history yadi yadi yada. Then comes the phrase of please remove all of your clothing and put on the gown, oh boy!!! Then that dreadful bed with the foot rests or whatever they are called. Ay ay ay! Anyways so I had my exam; the gynecologist states I am a very complex patient due to all my medical history, she said I gave her a lot to take in at once! LOL that was kind of funny; she could not believe someone so young has gone through all my medical history, but hey it’s not like I chose it! The only results I obtained today was the fact I am not pregnant, hello big surprise I already knew that LOL. I will receive the Pap test results in about a week; I also have to call to schedule a pelvic ultrasound tomorrow. I will keep you updated to see when that will be.

 

When I got home I came straight to take a nap, now I just had an ice cream cone and now I am going to bed! Ohhhh did I mention my only excitement right now is “Eclipse” is in theaters tomorrow! Ok peep good night, talk to you mañana…

It's Finally June...

Finally the month of June…

You may ask why my excitement or you may think I am dull, but “Twilight Eclipse” is out on June 29th! Alexandro, and I are very excited and can’t wait. We are very much into the Twilight era.

This past weekend went by way too fast! I slept through most of it; it’s like this is the only time I can truly catch up on my sleep. I guess I am taking a break from school for this semester since I was short on my financial aid for the summer this term; SUCKS, but what can we do? I guess it was kind of a God send because to be totally truthful, I am very tired. Full time mommy, full time student, and working full time have truly cached up to my last nerve! I can’t take a break from work or being a mother, so school will have to do! LOL.

Time is flying by and July is almost here uuughhh I hate it! I don’t want to get older; my birthday is on July 10th, and believe me I can wait! Yesterday I found another white hair; didn't ever think those would show up so soon, but oh well they're are a part of getting older, what can I say. I had found one on my bangs about a few months ago, and the one found yesterday is on the back part or my head. Uugghhh man, I had to of gotten my mother’s genetic genes; why couldn’t I have gotten my fathers? Damn! My father is actually older than my mother; they are 11 years apart.  My father is 69 years old and has a full set of black hair! My mother is only 58 years old and her hair is already salt-n-pepper as she so calls it.

So there you go, I got stuck with my mother genetic genes, and I also got the obesity genes from her as well; damn! I wish I would have got all my genes from my father because I’ve always wanted his skin and hair color. During my teenage years, I did dye my hair black, but didn’t look to great with black hair and pale white skin. LOL I looked like the living dead! Hehehehe My dad is skinny too! I don’t have the will power to go on a strict diet to lose the weight, even though I am doing pretty well in losing it slowly.  I just need to get the willpower I once used to have during my younger years.

I got my thyroid removed in 2008; due to thyroid Cancer so as you can see that truly doesn’t help my motivation ugghhhh! Back in 2002 I started on the Atkins Diet and I lost over 60 lbs. but not eating carbs got old really fast, but it worked that is until I got sick. LOL.


Anyways changing the subject today it’s Monday, and I am already waiting for the weekend; Oh please have it come soon!

Review: Embracing Your Second Calling

EMBRACING YOUR SECOND CALLING

Author: Dale Hanson Bourke





$12.23 (Amazon price)
Paperback: 240 pages
Publisher: Thomas Nelson (May 4, 2010)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 0849946972
ISBN-13: 978-0849946974
Product Dimensions: 8.9 x 6.9 x 0.7 inches


Dale’s purpose is to make women and all people in general to accept the changes of life; to accept getting old and closer to God. To accept that this is the way he wants us, older, and wiser. Dale has shown her own experiences of getting older; she also shows the experiences of strong women she has meet throughout her life. Dale tries to help us see what she has learned in her years. Her audience is not just intended just for older woman; she states she wants to reach both genders of all ages. Reading her book was awesome; it’s inspirational, and has made me think of a lot of things I can change in my life. Like what she says about things always happening for a reason so we can learn from our mistakes; I always felt the same way about that. I would recommend this book to anyone who is afraid of getting old and to the young as well. Getting old is not a sin it is a calling, and being young doesn’t last forever. Reading this book helps ease your mind about getting old; that is not what is important, what is important in your inner soul and how you life your life.

From the ghetto to the Westside!

Since I can remember, my family and I lived in the ghetto; don’t get me wrong we were not dirty people, let me define ghetto. For some living in the ghetto is opening cans with a knife instead of a can opener which I had to do a lot of times. I love being a Mexican because we always find a way!!! Viva la Raza… LOL

Anyways, yes I am proud to say I was fortunate to have those ugly ass Medicaid glasses when I was a kid because we were too poor to have the pretty, classy ones; the important thing was I could see! If you had Medicaid in the 1990’s then you know what I am taking about.

(The mobile home)

I was fortunate to have the welfare cheese, damn was that cheese good! We were poor, but fortunate to have food on the table even though it was beans. The clothes I owned was either from the flea market or yard sales; man I remember those times! I hated getting up at 5am on the weekend to go to the damn yard sales. My parents would get the paper and look for the good yards sales in which we used to say the rich lived LOL, but I was fortunate to have clothes on my back. I have to admit that when I found an outfit that was so pretty, I felt like a princess; yes it was used but it was now mine.

At times my parents were so poor striving to make a living, Santa would not come, but guess what if I got lucky; he would come the day after Christmas in a Salvation Army bus with lots of toys and a basket of food, man that was like the best feeling ever; it wasn’t a slay but it was Santa Clause.

I had lived in a mobile home for as long as I could remember, until a couple of months ago I still lived in the same mobile home in which I grew up in and which is almost close to dust because it is falling apart. But you know what? I wouldn’t change my hardships, at times I actually thank God for them because they have helped me appreciate what is important.

My family never ever had new things, our furniture, dishes, clothes, etc. you name it, it was either from the thrift shop, flea market, or yard sales; but yet we were thankful for what we had.

Now I have been blessed with a mansion!!! That is what our new home is to me, a mansion, and yes for the first time in my life I have a NEW couch; it was in layaway for a several weeks and had to make several payments before I could finally bring it home,but it now sits beautifully in our new home.

(The NEW couch)

The dishes are still the same ones because I had a box that I had been saving to open for when the day I bought my house finally came; let me explain!

When I worked in retail at Foleys at the mall, things would fall down in price when they were discontinued and I would put them on my Foleys credit card if I was lucky to find the opportunity. At times being a single mom, it was hard to do that, but life is a risk, after 9 years of them being boxed up they now sit in my new house kitchen cabinets.

Retail is a hard and dirty job, and I used to complain about it when I left, but know that I think about it working there was a blessing because I was able to get the deals after the season was over. I would wait till summer was over to buy my son summer clothes for the following year, I would buy them big so when summer came again; he would be set. I did the same thing with winter. I used to get brand named clothing for my hijito, at times for $1 each. That was the bonus of working there; the down fall was I only got paid $6.50 hr. and worked like a dog. Worked random hours, never had weekends off, and hardly got to see my son; he was practically always at daycare!

This is why I decided to go back to school, to show my son the importance of education and that if you don’t have it life will be harder. One day I was sitting in my USED couch that was handed down to me from three generation thinking, Cristina you can do it, you can make a difference and give your son the life you never had. My son has always been the weapon of me being were I am now, and you know what? I’m still not done, there is still much more to do.

Those who have never been poor will never know the hardships and the feeling of having something other than beans for dinner. I am blessed and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I love my life and I am thankful for what I have learned because I have character, courage and the strength to tell people to fuck off if I need to; I will have great stories to tell my grandchildren, that is if I make it there.

Now at 27 years old I have been blessed with buying a new house! It’s not a new model, but it is mine, and it is not a mobile home located in a bad neighborhood. I have had to strive and work hard for what I have and I wouldn’t change it for the world because I can say I did it on my own even while being a single mother! So no one can tell me shit.

(The NEW home)

If you didn’t go through at least a few things I mentioned, then you were RICH in my eyes and you will never see what it truly is to appreciate not having anything. Even with that we were considered Middle Class because there are worst things in life, and everyday I pray for the hungry in Mexico and around the world who don’t even have a piece of bread to eat or clean water to drink. So do I consider my self blessed? Yes I do! So if I was finally able to buy a NEW couch after the shit I been through in my life, I hell ass have earned it, and I didn’t ask anyone to buy it for me!!!

(The USED dinning table)

Oh and before I forget, the dinning table is complementary of my dearest best friend “Lluvia”. Thank you my sista, it looks great in our kitchen, I love you and I know that your childhood was way harder than mine. You had to pick the fields out in the hot sun while still being a kid. That is why we are who we are now! We do share one thing in common though; both of our mothers had to deal with our alcoholic fathers. God bless these women for their strength and will power to raise us kids even through the worst of circumstances.Viva the Ghetto and thank God for those wonderful times because they have made me who I am.

It’s official…

Its official, my mother is moving back to Albuquerque; she moved to Denver around December in 2004. Recently her health has been going through a shade spiral for the past couple of years now; she has gone from bad to worse. Before she was up and at it, doing all the things we all do. Now she can’t even walk without her walker, cane, and oxygen; I was also able to help her get Medicaid to pay for the scooter she now owns. The scooter has made it easier for her to get around the grocery store and the mall; which she was not able to do before.

In Denver she lives alone; she has her brothers and sisters there, but they are to busy in there own lives. My brother also lives in Denver, but lets face it he just turned 19 years old and is to busy being a teenager doing nothing but getting high; he doesn’t work or go to school! He pays his rent only because he has the luck of receiving a disability check from the government for having ADD, but come on there is so many people out there with ADD that work and do not rely on the government, his motto is just being a lazy ass. My brother has been getting into trouble which only causes my mother more agony and stress; we really don’t know what to do with him. He doesn’t listen to our advice, so we have decided to let him be, and just pray to God to watch over him and to help him choose the right decisions in life.

Last week my mother got very ill, good thing she has the emergency device in her apartment; I’m not sure what it's called, but she carries a necklace around her neck; she can press it to get assistance if she feels ill or falls to the floor. She started to get really sick and was not able to breath so she panicked and pressed the button; they got her an ambulance, and rushed her to the emergency room. As soon as she got there they admitted her, she had chronic pneumonia. The doctor admitted her in the hospital for 4 days, due to her diabetes and health history; the doctor wanted to keep a close eye on her. Thank God she is now doing better.

On the day she was going to be released, the doctor said he would not let her go home without her oxygen tank; she kept calling my brother and no answer. My aunt and my cousins had to go knock on his door to open my mother’s apartment to get her oxygen. He was totally passed out. My aunt pulled him from the ears; as soon as my mom got home he left, he didn’t even stay a while to see how she was doing. Before he left he still had the nerve to tell my mother he was out partying the night before, getting high, and that some guys had got stabbed! Come on dude our mother just got out of the hospital and you were partying and now you’re telling her this information to worry her, to stress her out? What the hell is wrong with you? Ahhhuuuu this totally upsets me. Did I mention that a few months ago he stole her car and wrecked it? Well yes, he left her with no car!!

This is when I put my foot down and said no more!!! I convinced my mother to move back to Albuquerque, that I would find her an affordable apartment close to my house. This way in case she needs me, I am close by to take care of her, or if she needs to press her emergency button they can take her to the hospital and I am there; I work at the hospital so it would be easy for me to get to her if that were the case. She needs someone who can go pay her bills and buy her grocery’s. My brother Dimas bought a car for himself, and doesn’t even have the decency to give her a ride to where she needs to be, even knowing the fact that she no longer has a car due to his dumb ass.

I have been working in getting her a nice place around my area and found one available for the end of August. In September I have a follow up appointment with my cancer doctor in Denver; I am moving her back down here at that time. I just hope it all goes well with my health as well as hers.

Weird Dream…

On Saturday night I had the craziest dream; the good part of the dream was that I got to see my Chuy once more. Jesus was alive in my dream!

Before I explain exactly what my dream was about, first I need to go back in time into my past; this will help comprehend the dream a little better as to who the people in my dream were and what they symbolize.

Let’s go back in time to 1998; this was the year when Miguel Varela came into my life. Miguel and I started dating, he and my Jesus’ were third cousin, but they were not close at all. During this time I was 16 years old, Jesus and I were not together; he was in Longmont, Colorado. Miguel and I dated for about a week; he was in town visiting. I was drawn to Miguel; he knew how to dance and boy did he know how to kiss!

When he left Albuquerque to go to Kansas we decided to have a long distance relationship and see how things went from there. We would write and keep in touch as often as possible; I was falling deeply in love with him and I honestly believed there could be a future for the two of us being together.

In May 1998 it was the one day before the last day of school; it was my junior year in high school; I missed it! That day we got terrible news; Miguel had passed away; I left to Mexico the next day for the funeral, they had taken his body from Kansas to our pueblo in Matachic, Chihuahua Mexico. I was totally devastated and didn’t know why every time I was happy, I once again was separated by whom I had grown to love.

Ok, so getting to my dream now you know who Miguel is; well in my dream we were having the rosary for Eric Varela which is Miguel’s brother; he is still among us and is still alive. I dreamed he had died, but in my dream Miguel and Jesus were still alive. We were all crying around Eric’s coffin and surrounded by the entire family. In the dream Jesus and I were happy together, but then came a dark, dusty windy time during the rosary in when everything became a stronger sorrow; then Miguel and Jesus asked me to call the family.

In the dream I felt total sorrow because of Eric’s death, but at the same time I was happy with my Chuy being by my side. I also remember that in the dream Jesus was making me a tattoo of a cloud with rain drops falling; whatever that means, I have no clue. I have no tattoos on my body, and I am terribly afraid of them. I am not that faun of needles, so it doesn’t make any sense to me.

When I woke up I was in total shock, I had a bad feeling. I started to get worried for Eric’s well being, so I decided to text him and see if he was ok. I didn’t tell him exactly what I dreamt, but I did mention someone had died; of course I didn’t mention it was him who had died. I told him Jesus and Miguel were in my dream and had asked me to call. He said he was fine, but that his uncle had been shot the previous day, and he was in El Paso, Texas on his way to Mexico for the funeral. When he said that, I got chills, someone did die that night! It was not Eric, but it was someone in the family. Is it a sign or just plain coincidence? As for me, I will investigate; those who know me know how superstitious I can be. I will not rest until I find some answers as to what this dream means.

Older makes you wiser...

Greeting earthlings!

Yesterday I started reading my free book from Book Sneeze; I was so excited to finally have the time to get started on it. In about an hour I read 4 chapters; I just could not put it down; I am practically almost done with the entire book. It really made me think about how I lived my life before, how I live my life now, and how I will live it later when I get older.

Dale talks about her career, of what she did as a young business owner, wife, and mother. She talks about the constant business trips and the constant busy schedule she once had. Now as an older woman she has learned what her second calling is and how to slow down; she now has many adventures that have left her great heart warming satisfactions. Dale makes great points, and makes total sense of what she says about God doing the things he does for a reason. I my self always thought that way, but not exactly as she puts it! I have learned how to admire her will to help others and help woman around the world be strong and understand that when we get older it’s because that is the way God wants us to be, and that we are beautiful not from our outer appearance, but from our inner self, God has a purpose for our soul and why he put us on earth.

Anyway long story short; reading through the chapters has truly made me think. Now I know I’m not the only one who thinks things do happen for a reason; they happen to make us stronger; to learn to appreciate what we have, and learn from the hardships of life. Like Dale says, it is for the purpose to use later in your true calling for when you grow older and closer to God! I am now curious to know what my second calling truly is.

I’m almost done with school, and I’m so very excited about it, but now I wonder if this will help me find my true calling? What is my purpose of being here on earth for? I guess we will find out eventually. What do you think your true calling might be? Please share you insights, Have a blessed day!

Break-Ups

Hello my fellow readers,

I'm doing great or at least I think I am, never can tell; my mood can change very quickley!  I was thinking about what to write and then it came to me "Break-ups!"  The reason why this came to mind was, because last night my 9 year old son Alexandro came up to me after seeing a commercial on TV about a girl breaking up with a guy; he said, "mommy break-ups are hard hu? mommy break-ups make people suffer a lot, and all because us men can't let go of our pride and be understanding to what the woman is feeling." 

I stood there starign into his beautiful black eyes in plain shock on the fact that the 9 year old standing in front of me saw it from a woman's point of view of how difficult realationships can be.  He says "mommy how many break-ups have you had in your life time?" I started to wonder and went back in time to count, my answer was about ten times which included those relationships that were not too serious anyway.  My little boy looked at me and said "mommy I am so sorry you have suffered through the painful stress of break-ups, you are a wonderful woman and you will make a great lover" LOL My kid says the darnest things!  I was not expecting that!

Then Alex says "mommy why does life have to be so complicating?" I said, "son I have been asking myself the same question for as long as I know."  He kissed my cheek and said, "I love you mommy" and dosed off into the hall playing with his sord.  He did not realize how in shock he left me.  I was like wow!

It amazed me on how much a kid can know, how intelangent, and obserbate they can be! He asked me if he would know how to find a wife when he grew up. My response was, "Son it will come in time, for know don't worry about things like that and have fun being a kid" he said, "ok mommy" and just left on to go play.

Things like this make you wonder, if a child can see these things, why can't us as adults realize what happens around us?  Sometimes we live our life with our eyes completly closed to the realiatiy we live in!  I love you Alex.

Dreaming the World is Ending

 Those who know me, know I am a very superstitious person! Lately I have been having these crazy dreams. I have always believed that our dreams are a way in connecting to an outer dimension or are signs of what can or will happen in the near future. I believe all our dreams are a tool of communication of some sort; I don't know how it works, but what I do know is that it happens.

In the dream I have been having lately; the world ends!! Very scary stuff. In the my dream my son, my ex-boyfriend Cesar, and I are in a restaurant having lunch and all of a sudden the sky starts to get black. When we leave the restaurant there are tons of people walking and running through the streets. People are breaking things, fighting against each other, and causing fires. There is a lot of arguing and grief all around. My son starts to get scared, and asks, "Mommy what is happening; is it time mommy?" The only thing I can respond is I don't know babe, I think so!

When we get home, our house is completely destroyed and there is nothing left of it. We leave and try to find refuge; we pass security and sneak into a white building. There is a door with stairs and a ladder is attached after the stairway ends: we climb up the ladder and end up in a huge conference room where there already is a couple of people sitting in the corner scared as we were. The conference room we are in is all made of windows and we can see what is happening outside; people are fighting, arguing, and killing each other. Everything is Dark, there is no light, and it is so very cold. Hours later the ground starts to shake, and buildings begin to fall down. The windows from the conference room were we were at, start to break with the impact of the earthquake; the building starts to tilt down to the right and we begin to slide down. Cesar holds on to a pool attached to the wall; Alexandro and I hold on to him and begin to yell and cry. We begin to tilt more and more; when we are about to fall out of the window, I wake up.

I truly do not know what this dream means; I have a dream dictionary at home, but it is kind of difficult to search on it since it focuses more on just one event, and not on different occurrences, so I decided to surf the internet for some answers, conclusions, or at least for an opinion on what it could mean. I found this website called dream interpretation-End of The World written by a psychologist named Hope. Hope suggests the dream means suffering, anxiety, and depression. I guess this can be right since I have been feeling this way for a long time; and how not to feel this way; with all the things that happened in my life recently, it is hard not to. I have suffered through illnesses, my child having a surgery, and going through the pain of losing the greatest love of my life! I guess I will just have to deal with the fact that I will be having these kind of dreams till until I can cope with my sadness. I have been taking my depression medication and have been feeling better. Maybe it is an unconscious situation in which I truly don't feel happy on the inside, even though I try to trick my mind that I am.

All I can do is hope for a good outcome...

Happy 27th Birthday (July 2009)

 Every year I write a summary of one more year. Last year it was like being born again, I turned 27 years old, but it was like starting a whole new life again. In 2008 I passed my 26th birthday sick in the hospital with Cancer. I was not able to celebrate it that year, I prayed to God everyday to give me the opportunity to gain my health again; to keep me here and alive, and you know what? He did, God blessed me with the strength to keep on fighting and the greatest birthday gift he have me was to continue being here on earth. I am very grateful for all the blessings God has provided me with. Turning one more year was the greatest gift he could give me! My Cancer came out negative and I feel better than ever; I have always believed that God always does things for a reason; what happened to me has made me change for the better. I no longer notice the little things; the problems or the things I can not resolve; with time God will take care of them. Why worry about the things we can not change now, just has faith and they will soon have a resolution. Until then live life and be happy.

I have learned that resentment doesn’t take us anywhere, and forgiveness opens doors and greater opportunities. I have learned to live life to the maximum, and make as much friends as possible; friendship is worth the while. If I can help a friend just with a smile or with a simple advice, I feel complete. I have to admit that before, I always used to worry about everything; that I wanted a new house that because mine is falling down, more money to pay the bills, a savings in the bank of Alex’s college. Now I appreciate and give thanks for the things I do have. If in the near future something better comes, I will receive them with open arms and will gladly appreciate them, but the tomorrow no one knows what it will bring; therefore we must appreciate what we have now. Of course we also have to strive and work hard in order to reach our dreams, but those will soon arrive with time. My house may be poor, but it is rich with love, and I am thankful to have a roof over my head and have a place to live in; there are people who are not as fortunate as me to have what I have.

I thank God for the lesions he has provided me with in order to open up my eyes to see and to realize what truly is important and is worth the while; to leave the little things behind in which don’t matter. I have learned to live my present, forget about the past, and not to think about tomorrow. Life is beautiful and we all decide how we want to live or see it. I strived really hard to be here, I know that miracles do happen; I have lived through them; I’ve seen them through me. Alone or with a love I am happy! I have learned that no one completes me as person; yes it is true that having the love of a partner is beautiful; to have someone who loves and respect you is totally awesome, but I have also learned that first we first must learn to complete ourselves and love ourselves before we can love somebody else; if a love comes it will not be to complete me as a person, but to share a healthy relationship filled with love and respect.

At the moment I don’t have a job but I know God has blessed me with many other things far more important, and I know he will soon help me find a job in which I can be proud of. I now have completed 3 years towards my career and with the help of God by next year I would have completed my degree; I know that is how it will be! Thank you God for providing me many blessings in my life; you have given me health and the opportunity to be here; to take care of what is most precious to me; my beautiful baby! Alexandro I love you mijo; even though you say you are now 8 years old and that you are a big boy, you will always be my precious baby. God thank you for giving me true friendships; those who have been there through thick and thin and have blessed me with a smile or with their advice! Now I know I am not alone, I have God and lots of people who love me!

Now I know I am worth while and that life is precious; we must enjoy it to the maximum while we still can, because life is short to be worrying about stupid things that aren’t worth it. Live life like it is coming to you, if you had a bad day, imagine in your mind how you would have of wanted it to be, go to sleep happy, and tomorrow it will be another day full of new adventures and new experiences. Now I feel complete and happy every day and I owe it to my dear Lord that never let me give up and helped me keep my faith strong. When God takes something away, it is not to punish you, but he does it so you can open your hands to receive something better. God bless everyone and thank you for your friendship that you always provide me with. With all my heart thank you! Happy 27th Birthday Cristina*la*loca.

Mother’s Day…

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mommas out there! Hope you are enjoying your day. I certainly have enjoyed mine. I slept in late and have been here at home veging out. My son Alexandro who is 8 years old woke me up about 8:00 a.m. this morning; he said mommy open your eyes and then after you may go back to sleep if you want to. I was dreaming at the time, so it took me a while to open my eyes. Finally after fighting with the fact that I had to get up, I saw my little boy standing there waiting for me to see what he had ready for me. My little boy had made me a big Mother’s Day card and had gone to buy me roses; he said mommy Happy Mother’s Day, I made you this card at school, and Alejandro helped a little by taking me to Wal-Mart this morning to buy you these roses with the money I had saved up. My son gave me a kiss and told me how much he loves me; I said thank you and went back to sleep.

We went to bed late last night because we went to my best friend’s house; we stayed there until about 10:30 p.m. and still came home and watched the Lion King. I fell asleep on the couch towards the end of the movie; I don’t even remember how I got to my bed.

Friday evening was kind of interesting; if you can call it that. I went to the orthodontist for my consult, and I was certain he would say I did not need braces like my dentist had said, but unfortunately I was mistaking. They put braces on my top teeth and in a few months they put the bottom ones as well. It is not that my teeth are corked because they never have been, but my they state my bite is uneven, so they want to straighten my jaw. Wow the things in which I must go though now as an adult, because my parents never took me to the dentist as a child. My orthodontist is a really nice guy; also he is a very hot white guy!!! Hubba hubba lol. My son Alex was with me and caused an impression on Dr. Craig with all his smart talk that Dr. Craig decided to give him a free consultation and free x-ray’s; he said Alex needs braces as well, my baby will be getting them in about a month. At least he will have them on as a kid and not have to wait until he is 27 years old like me to find out he needs them. LOL Alex was not too thrilled with the idea, but I made him understand that his teeth are uneven and some are starting to hit the root and in the long run the doctor said he would lose them if he didn’t straighten them. Alex understood and agreed; he said he doesn’t want to end up like grandma with no teeth; I said the exact same thing, this is why I am following doctor’s orders to the top of the line. LOL.

That has been my exciting weekend news, and tomorrow back to work. Hope you all mothers out there are enjoying your Mother’s Day and have a fabulous coming week. God bless.

Happy One Month Anniversary...

April 20, 2010 officially makes our one month anniversary. We have made it through a month of pain free complications; that's actually a first in my life. Alejandro moved down to Albuquerque, New Mexico from Las Vegas, Nevada on March 20, 2010 so we could be together. At first the idea kind of scared me, and made me a bit nervous to have someone I have never met in person move in with me. Would I like him? Would he like me? Sometimes people are different on the phone or online that on a personal basis. Alejandro and I met on Mocospace, yeah! out of all places this is were it turned out to be the place where I would find my other half. (Laugh out loud) We met online about a year ago and became really good friends; at the time we met I was with Jesus and planning our future together. When I was at Jesus's funeral Alejandro was the first one to call; of course he didn't know of the circumstances, but I told him I could not talk at the time because I was too upset and was grieving my loves death. My depression grew with each day that went by, I literally wanted to die. Jesus passing caused me terrible pain not even my son could make me keep going. Months passed by and Alejandro's calls became more frequent; he helped me laugh even though it was just for an instant. For that moment I could forget at least for a minute of the pain I was feeling.
Around February we were casually talking and the words that came out of his month were "Cristina I don't know when or how, but I fell in love with you", I did not know what to say and was completely in shock. I completely stayed quiet, and literally could not talk; he noticed my shock and said, "Cristina forget I said anything; I didn't want to say anything" After weeks and weeks; he begged me to be his girlfriend, but I could not accept. I was in to much pain to think of anything else, I told him I didn't want to cause him any grief with my depression and also that I didn't want to hurt him in case I was not able to love him back. Alejandro's response was he didn't care, and that he would know how to be patient. Months later after all the issues and arguments on the phone we had, we now seem to be happy! We never fight and we get along very well. I can actually now can say that I am happy... I'm still depressed about losing the love of my life which was Jesus, but till we can be together again, I can say I am happy for now!

Life is short and I know my Chuy would not want me to be lonely, so I am trying to stand tall and keep on going. I want to enjoy my life at the fullest while I still can. My advice to my readers is to never give up; and always strive to complete ones goals. Falling makes us stronger; so when you fall don't give up, just get up again and keep on going. God bless you all.

Dreams...

On April 13, 2010, was six months since Jesus passing, and still it hurts like yesterday. I think about him everyday, I don't even notice when his name leaves my lips. I mention him more than twice a day and think about him always.

On Friday April 16, 2010 I was feeling ill, I have a sinus infection so I have not been feeling that great. I asked my boss if I could go home early; she said yes. When I got home I took my antibiotic and a hydrocodone and fell right asleep and slept for hours. I don't know if it was the drugs or the fever, but I could not stop dreaming. If only my dreams were true; I would never want to wake up!

In my dream it was Christmas Eve, I was surrounded by friends and family; I even saw people I have not seen in years. Out of the blue moon Jesus walks in as handsome as I had never seen him before; he walked towards me and said, "babe do you want to dance with me?" He put out his hand and I took it. As he pulled me towards him, I could smell the fabric softener on his Metallica t-shirt which I used to love so much; now when I smell it I just cry. We danced for hours and even though we were surrounded by people we were in our own little world, we could hear our selves breathing. In this dream we also made love; when I woke up and realized it was just a dream, I wept with desperation. I miss him so. I woke up about ten till 6:00 p.m. it was time to pick up my son Alexandro from his grandmother's. After getting home once more I went to bed and fell right asleep. I continued to dream where I had left off the last time; this is not rare for me because it tends to happen to me quite often. I dream something, get up in the middle of the night to use the restroom and when I go back to bed I continue dreaming were I left off; strange but true. I don't know what dreams mean; I wish I did, but I appreciate these dreams with all of my heart because I can for a moment forget about reality and be with the people I love and are no longer here. I like to think I visit them in heaven when I dream about them. I just hope I continue dreaming my beloved Chuy.

Even though it hurts to wake up, its so worth falling asleep because
at least for a moment I reach true happiness. I like to think that when I dream of my Chuy I am visiting him were ever he is; for that moment I can spend time with him, show him how much I love him, and how much he still means to me. Even though he is no longer here, nothing and no one can or will take his place. I will forever love him, for an entire eternity. Later that night I dreamed about Chuy once more, but I do not recall exactly what I dreamed. My current boyfriend Alejandro woke me up; he said I was crying, and screaming like I was in true pain. I believe I was dreaming of losing Jesus, all I remember was seeing him drift away while I fell onto the green grass in the middle of a beautiful park; there I felt an enormous grief that hurt down to the bottom of my heart. I don't know if I will continue to have these kind of dreams, but if they cause me pain, I truly don't care; at least I will get to see the love of my life once more.

Confused Feelings...

Why do us humans like to complicate our life so much? Sometimes I stop to wonder that if we didn't complicate our love life; we would probably find something else to complicate. Personally I have noticed one thing; every time I'm in a new relationship, for some reason or another, I always end up thinking of the last. Why is that?

I sure hope I'm not alone on this or the only person one who feels this way. Funny thing the mind; it works in mysterious ways, and even though we want to let go of certain things from the past, the mind has its tricks to bring them back up to float. Several years ago I started to go see a therapist to see if she could help me ease my mind. I didn't think I actually needed to see one, but my friends were actually surprised I had never gone to see one. I had a hard childhood so my friends had always suggested for me to go see a therapist; they stated it would be good for me to talk to a professional about things that I just decide to bury deep down. I did not know how much I actually needed to see a therapist until I was at my first appointment; I was shocked of the things that actually came out and that I said to a total stranger. I started bawling about all these emotional feelings I had buried for so long. I also noticed tears on my therapist eyes; like she felt my pain. After the session was over she said, "Cristina I want you to come see me once every two weeks; there is still a lot of things we need to go over. When you get home you are going to be a bit sentimental so please lay down and cry if you need to."

About a week before my second session I had found a small lump on the right side of my neck by my jaw and was a bit concerned. We discussed the fear for the lump I had found and also that I was no longer happy with Cesar, I told her I didn't know whether to end the relationship or not? In our pictures Cesar and I looked happy, but behind closed doors it felt like I was a prisoner in my own house. Among other things my mother came up in the conversation, I mentioned that I love her because she is my mother and even though I have forgiven her the wrong things that occured during my childhood years; it is still really difficult for me to be around her for too long. It's even hard for me to express any love to her. My therapist reply was, "Cristina you are afraid to let go of the past because you are scared of the unknown and even though what you know is hurting you, it is more comfortable for you to hurt now than go forward to the unknown." I stop now and again to think back to her words, is that true? Would I rather be hurting on what I do know which makes me unhappy, than to let go of the past and start over just because I am afraid of the unknown?

Still, I think I have been a strong woman and have held up pretty good considering the circumstances destiny has provided to this loca. I also think I have done good for myself no matter what anyone says. I didn't use the childhood excuess to fall onto the wrong path, I chose otherwise; to prove to my parents I could be better than them, and that I would prevail. Now I am 27 years old and I have completed many things that back in the day seemed unreachable, but not impossible. That Day has finally reached its course; I am a very short step to finish my Bachleors degree in Business Management and also my degree in Human Resources. I'm also finally now proud to say I am a home owner; a dream I had for so long finally has arrived. My son and I are so excited to be in our new home. There is such thing as a silverlining!

Stay tuned for more! xoxo

Death Survivor...

The reason is unknown, but my life has not been easy. I know I should not complain because truly I have had wonderful miracles provided to me, and I am grateful everyday. When things go so terribly wrong in my life I always decide to think back to those who are not as fortunate as me and are probably going through worse things in life. I do sometimes stop to think of why I have gone through so much in my life throughout the years.

Back on May 5, 2008, I was 25 years old asking my self Cristina you are 25 years old and you still have not competed any of the goals you have set for yourself. You still don't have that prince charming to come and rescue you and take you under his shining armor. All the relationships you've had have failed; You give 100% of yourself to make it work and make your partner happy, but at the end it was always you who ended up losing. All my life I have strive to survive of being unloved by my mother, father, and all the partners that have came in and out of my life. I have tried my best to bring up my child on my own and show him all that I can be.

On June 2, 2005 I started to get severe stomach cramping, those you feel when you think you're going to die. I could no longer take the pain, so I called it quits. I went to my bosses office and asked to go home. I left, picked up my son from daycare, after that I totally lost track of what happened or how I even got home. All I remember is waking up and feeling pain all over my body, and a weakness that I had never felt before; I could not even walk. I truly felt like I was going to die, I was so scared for my son; he was only 4 years old. The two of us lived alone so in case of an emergency, he would be alone if something happened to me. I was terrified of dying and leaving my son home alone. the only thing I knew was I had to get my self up to call his grandma. I actually crawled from my room to the living room to get to the phone, I could not get up to walk I was too weak; I could not even talk. I picked up the receiver and called Lupe my son's grandmother, I said Lupe I am dying and if you do not hear from me please come and pick up my son; she could not even understand what I was saying because my words were mumbled.

After I hung up with her I looked at the date and time on the phone, I had slept for a week since I had got home from work that day; I was totally out of it for an entire week! I was like how is that possible is this date wrong? Ten minutes later my brother-in-law knocked at the door and my son answered the door, I was passed out on the floor; he carried me to the truck and rushed me to urgent care. When we got there they took me in right away! I was put to an IV and was asked to lay and sit while they checked my blood pressure, it was too low. They took some labs and my blood levels were way out of range; my blood count was at -4 they said I was septic and that if I would have waited two more hours to be seen, I would have died. They called the ambulance and rushed me to Presbyterian Hospital; there they put eleven bags of IV until finally I started to get my strength back. At work everyone thought I had quit because I had not shown up or called in; I felt so bad but what could I do? It was not something I could have controlled.

Two days passed and I felt a little better; on the third day I was in the bathroom combing my hair and all of a sudden I lost my eye sight for about 1 minute. That totally freaked me out! I got so worried. I started to feel nausea and light headed; after about 5 minutes I fainted, good thing I fell on the bed or that would have hurt like a son of a gun! When I came to my senses I called my father and asked him to take me to the ER, I explained what had happened a few days prior and that I was concerned. It took my father about 45 minutes to get to my house, it took a while for them to take me in. After my father complained to the nurses that they were taking too long and told them that I as getting pale, they took me in. They took me in for an MRI after a few hours the doctor came in and said Cristina you have a brain tumor. I was in shock and literally I didn't know what I was going to do; I asked the doctor so what do I do? How do I get better? Where do I go? Please help me I don't want to die? My father started to cry; this cold hearted personality man who I had never seen tears on his eyes, not even when my grandma died. So many things passed through my mind while I lay there in that cold ER room. The first thing I thought of was my son, if I died who would take care of him? I don't wish this feeling on anyone not even my worst enemy!

My father called my mother and she came down from Denver the next day. I was out of work for about 2 weeks. The week I slept without knowledge and the second week my primary care doctor gave me to rest of the week to get better from all the pain and trauma I had been through.

As soon as I was released from the hospital I started to analyze and try to figure out what I was going to do and how to begin to fight this! I went to go see a general surgeon; he was the scariest doctor I have ever met in my life. He said I would have to have my head completely open and have the scull sawed to get to the brain; that I could die during the surgery and that it was a truly high risk surgery. I was totally in shock and cried my self to sleep. I didn't know who would take care of my son Alexandro while I as going through all these or if I would even be there after to see him grow up. This was a truly hard and difficult time, but yet I still took time to stay positive, laugh and smile with my friends.

My brain surgery was done on November 28, 2005 I had to be in the hospital at 5:00 a.m. the night before I decided to leave my son at my cousins so he would not be running around the hospital; that good bye was the worst ones of my life. I had to explain to him why he had to stay and I even brought myself to tell him that if for some reason God didn't want us to see each other again that I loved him and that I would be watching over him always! He cried and said mommy but why do you have to take that ball out of your brain, can't you just leave it there mommy? I'm scared! I said baby I'm scared too, but we are going to pray with all of hearts for everything to come out well and soon we will be see each other again. After an hour of crying and saying goodbye I finally brought myself to leave and go home and get everything ready for the big day. I got home and I could not sleep, I laid down and would just cry. So many things passed through my mind and that was my baby Alex, why if I never saw him again? If I was no longer here would he turn out to be a good human being like I wish for him to be? I was truly scared. Cesar my boyfriend at that time hugged me and said Cristi everything is going to turn out fine; then we both started crying.

The clock hit 4:00 a.m. and we got up brushed our teeth and went to pick up my mom and dad. When we got to the hospital my fear grew more and more, the halls seemed cold and I started to get truly nervous. They put me in a small room and asked me to remove all my clothing and to put on the hospital robe. After changing all I could do was cry, I was really nervous; this was going to be my first surgery ever, and brain surgery at that, so I didn't know what to expect. Only two people could be in the room with me so my mom and dad took turns since I didn't want Cesar to leave, I was too scared. When the nurse came in she said are you ready? My response was no way! The nurse saw me crying and the tension I felt was expressed on my face; she said Cristina I am going to give you a medicine that is going to make you feel better and will help relax you. After she injected the medication even though my mind was still tense, my body felt total relaxation. One thing for sure is that the medication didn't stop me from crying and feeling scared. About 10 minutes passed and the medication had already started to kick in, the nurse came back and said OK Cristina it's time. I said my good byes to Cesar, my father, and my mother; I told them how much I love them.

The bed started to move and I got chills throughout my entire body. We went through the coldest and darkest hallway I have ever seen in my life. This hallway led to the operating room; entering the room I was amazed on how big it was. There was a huge table covered in knifes and a big saw; that was an awkward experience, it was a bit scary for a person like me that was about to have surgery to see. The nurses introduced themselves; one of them said Cristina I will be the one who will be by your side throughout you entire surgery and when you wake up; she hold my hand and said everything will be just fine. They started to hook me up to all the monitors and wires. Dr. Barron and Dr. Levy both smiled at me and said OK we are ready; they put a mask on me and asked to start counting backwards from one-hundred. I think I dowsed off at bout 89 because that is all I remember.

That sleep was the most amazing sleep, the best I have ever had in my life; the weired part was that I dreamed I walked through that dark and cold hallway and passed by the lobby where my family was waiting for me. That is all I remember from being asleep. Nine hours later I was in the recovery room asleep; Cesar woke me up and said mija wake up mi amor. I could feel someone shacking me but I could not wake up. When I opened my eyes all the pain rushed to my head and nose; I felt like a train had ran over me, it was awful. I had tubes in my nose and lots of gos it hurt like a bitch, pardon my french. My father, mother, and uncle walked in, but I really didn't pay attention to them; I was in too much pain! Ten minutes later I received a phone call, it was my boss and friends from work, they wanted to say hi and let me know they were all praying for me. I felt truly special and loved.

About 2 hours later, they move me into a room; when I got settled in my mother was crying, but I didn't truly know why; I was doing OK, there really was no reason to be crying. Later that day I received two dozen white and red roses on a beautiful purple vase; there was five balloons attached as well that said get well soon! On the card it sad hope you get better love you always Jesus & Alexandro, we love you! I don't know how Jesus found out what hospital I was in, but I was happy and grateful he thought of me during those tough times.

Later that evening my doctors came in to see me, the first thing they said was Cristina you are a miracle. I just smiled but didn't know what they meant by it! After I found out about the news I was totally shocked and so grateful to be here; I also know I have to be here for a reason, I still don't know what it is yet but I sure will figure it out. My surgery was eight hours long; towards the end of my surgery I started to leave this world. I was dying; the doctors tried to bring me back but it wouldn't work, they gave up! Dr. Levy went out and told my family I had died and that they were really sorry but there was nothing they could do. My family was devastated! When they went back to the room to unhook the monitor and wires, my heart beat came back and I was back to this world. This explains the terrible bruises I had on my chest! I started to cry when I was told all this, I could not believe it could be true; I died for about 15 minutes; and I do not remember what I saw. I think that was when I thought I was dreaming and went through the hallway and into the lobby to see my family. God wanted me here for a reason; this I know. My doctors were totally amazed and stated they would never forget my name or what happened.

I spent nine days at Saint Anthony's Hospital. I still had tubes in my nose, staples on my head where they had latched my head so it wouldn't move, and the oxygen mask was so uncomfortable. Finally I was released from the hospital, but I had to continue to be with the tubing in my nose for 3 more weeks. Most of my time I was out of it; I was in so much pain. The only thing that would help the pain was percocets; if I didn't take them all I would do is cry and when I did take them all I would do is sleep. The pain was worth it because I knew that I was alive.

Three weeks passed and it was time to remove the tubing I was scared of the pain. My son Alex would give me a hug and if he touched just a little bit of my nose I thought I was going to die! There was tubes sewed onto the inside walls of my nose which was very painful. I would think of the pain I was going to feel when they were removed. Just how I expected it was going to be; it was! I got to the doctors office and when they called my name I said to my self here we go. I begged the doctor to knock me out but he just laughed and said no Cristina you have to be awake for this. Dr. Barron got the pliers, scissors, and some clips and started to cut the stitches from the inside that were attached to the walls of the nose, then he said are you ready for the tubes to be pulled off? I of course said. "No put me to sleep first" here we go he said. I yelled very loud they heard me all the way to the lobby! It was very painful, but after it was over I felt a great relief. After the tubes were removed I had to spray saline solution in my nose to avoid infection.

The brain tumor was removed through my nose; no open head surgery like they had said here in Albuquerque. Denver Doctors are the best and have saved my life in so many ways! The tumor turned out to be Begin, and my migraine headaches went away. I no longer had fainting spells or loss of eye sight, I was back to my old self again. Life was awesome! God is kind and I thank him for my life everyday...

God bless you, never give up! I know that things may seem like they never get better, but with faith and inter strength we can triumph. As for me I triumph against death, I am a miracle. Peace be with you and God Bless.

What Made Me Become a Stronger Woman

My Past Made Me A Stronger Woman

As a child my life was a hard one. When I was nine years old, my mother became pregnant with my younger brother Dimas. After Dimas was born, my mother made me the responsible mother; she should have been. She was never home to take care of us; she was always working. My brother used to call me mommy. When my brother was taken to a doctor appointment; the doctor would assume I was the mother and my mother the grandma; I thought it was kind of funny, but my mother sure did not. I was the one to get up throughout the night to feed and change my brother. I was responsible for everything around the house. My day routine would be to get up; make every bed in the house; change, and get ready for school; change, and feed my little brother. Then, I would walk down the street to drop off my little brother at the babysitters. I had to carry my backpack, the diaper bag, my violin and, of course; my month year-old little brother. After having to drop off my brother at the babysitters, I had to walk about a mile to get to the bus stop and go to school. After school I would walk a mile again, and pick up my brother from the babysitters; go home; get dinner ready, clean the house, and start doing my homework. When my mother would get home from work, the house would be spot less, and have the smell of pine-sol; it still would not be good enough for her. She would make me start all over again, and clean once more. I grew up believing my mother did not love me. She never made me feel special; everything I did was never right or good enough for her. When I turned 15 years-old, I had my Quinceañera party. This was the first time in my life, I truly felt special. This was one of the best days in my life. Two days later, my mother informs me; she and my father are getting a divorce. The reason they did not mention it before is because; they did not want to ruin my birthday. The divorce takes its course; things went from bad to worse.

Become Stronger

In August of 1997 my parents were divorced. My brother and I moved in with my mother because my father is an alcoholic; he would not be able to raise children by himself or would want to for that matter. Even though my mother never truly showed me any love, I used to look up to her. I once admired how hard she used to work to help support our family. I honestly believed I had to be responsible for taking care of my brother to help her. After my parents divorce; the relationship between my mother and I, went from bad to worse; she was now a free woman. She decided to start a whole new life without us children. My mother had bloomed into a want to be a teenager again sort of faze. She started to date different men and bringing them to our home. I never had the chance to go to the movies with my friends or nothing for that matter. I always had to stay home and be a mother to my little brother.

Things Happen For a Reason

On July 9, 1998 my mother introduced me to one of her so many, so called boyfriends; she was dating four men at the time. This one was named Agustin. The following morning around 5:00a.m my mother was off to work; an hour later the phone rings, it was her boyfriend Agustin. I mentioned to Agustin that my mother was not home and suggested for him to call her at work. Agustin states he was not calling to talk to my mother, but wanted to speak to me. Agustin said he liked me, and that he wanted to start a new relationship with me. What a sick man, I was 16 years-old that day, and he was 35. Of course I blew him off. I also mentioned to him in detail my mother would find out about this situation as soon as she arrived home from work. When my mother arrived home from work, I mentioned to her what had happened earlier with Agustin; she called him, and he totally changed the story around in his favor. Agustin told my mother I had called him, and that I started to flirt with him. Agustin said I had asked him out. My mother knew this man for as long as two weeks, and took the words of this man over her own daughter. This was the worst day of my life. I felt so lonely; if my mother who brought me into this world did not believe me; who would? I was so depressed, and committed the worse thing someone can do. I tried to commit suicide with an over dose of pills. I thank God today nothing happened to me; my soul would have been lost. That was the day of my sixteenth birthday it was on July 10, 1998. My mother kicked me out of her house and into the street on my birthday. She only allowed me to take the clothes I had on my back. I called my mamita and papito; they are like my second parents. They took care of me since I was two days old. My mamita Rosa and Papito Felipe took me in their house. Months later I moved in with my now ex boyfriend Jesus, and lost my virginity. That year, I finished my junior year in high school to then drop out, and help Jesus pay the bills. When I turned 18 years-old, I became pregnant with my son Alexandro. I was so happy. Finally someone would honestly love me. Jesus beat up on me throughout my entire pregnancy, and was jealous of every one who would go near me. All though he was the first man I had ever been with, he would say our child was someone elses.

Have Courage

In May 2001 my relationship with Jesus worsens. My son and I had nothing to eat. I was not allowed to work nor had a babysitter or car to look for one. At this time my mother and I were sort of talking to each other again. She had now remarried with her husband Martin. The day I finally said this is enough; was when I gave Jesus some money to go to the store and buy our son some baby powder milk. Jesus comes home with a case of beer; he tells me he did not have enough money for our son's milk. The following morning I call my mother. My son Alex and I moved in with her. Not even two months later; my mother once more tells me, I have to leave her house do to her demented husband Martin being jealous of my nine month year-old son. Martin said my son Alex took all my mothers attention away form him; he told her it was either us or him. Once more, I am out in the street, and this time with a child. My father had also remarried; he was not living at our old house anymore; the house was vacant. My father said it was fine if my son and I moved in.

Always Keep Trying

Not even a month later, I established a reasonable employment. I bought a new car, and was truly working hard to support my son, and pay for daycare. Three years later, I find an employment which paid a much better wage. I also went out, and received my high school diploma. Now I am 27 years-old, and currently attending college at National American University to obtain my degree. I have come a long way. What makes me so proud is the fact that I never let my personality change; instead of becoming weak, I became a much stronger individual. I did not become a gangster. I did not start doing drugs or start feeling sorry for myself; instead, I became a survivor. The situations from my past are the weapon that made me into the woman I am today. I am proud to say; I also have no worries about my son ever having to feel ashamed of me. Every time he hugs me or tells me that he loves me, I know my life is worthwhile. I will do my best to graduate from college and give my son the life my parents never gave me.

When I die...

When I die...
I don't want you to cry...
I want you to be happy for me...
I will then be in peace...

When I die...
I want you to keep standing...
Don't let yourself fall...

When I die and expire...
I want you to find the most beautiful roses...
leave them on top my cold tomb...
But before you leave them there...
Chose one and give it to the person you most love...
Take another and give it to that person who you always saw with indifference and never took the time to get to know...

You ask why? I want you to meet people and make new friends...

The next rose...
I want you to give it to your mother...
So she can see how much she means to you...
When you give it to her, tell her how much you love her...

Take another rose and give it to the person you most hate...
How Ironic hu? I just want you to learn how to get rid of resentment...
And the other rose give it to the person whom takes care of the cemetery...
Why? Just to thank him or her for taking care of all those souls who rest in peace and for guarding that no one interrupts their everlasting dreams...

When you have only one rose left...
there on top of tomb let it fall...
I will let a beautiful bird come and take it away and fly away into the blue sky, letting some of the petals fall; those in which will decorate my cold tombstone...

When I stop living...
I want you to look at the stars and look for mine...
I want you to become its owner...
Every night when you look at it, you can remember me...
With that star you can remember that you were considered someone every special in my heart...

Look for excellence not for perfection...
I love my family and friends. if I die tomorrow remember me with happiness and not sorrow...